Chronicles of Narnia

Today went pretty well! I talked to my mom on the phone and we talked for about an hour...whoo! I don't think I've talked to my mother so much in just a few days! But it's been really, really good! Then, Laureen and I went for about a 40minute walk and came home, got ready, did some journaling, and went to my g-ma's house to pick up a table and chairs for our Christmas partay manana. I sat and chatted with my grandma for about an hour or so and than headed out to Borders...ooo...bookstores are bad for me. I sat there for at least an hour looking through the Christian literature section. I of course had already made my rounds in the cookbook section and the health and wellness part of the store, but since I don't really want a specific book (besides maybe the Joy of Cooking or the Better Homes and Gardens cookbooks), I passed them up and headed to the Christian lit section. I picked up one book and a new devo, both of which I am pretty psyched about diving in to! Woot woot! Yeah, but those previously mentioned books are rangin from 30-40 dollars and a $20 gift card just won't pass the buck..if you don't mind my pun! Muhahaha!
But yeah, so then I picked up some salad material, started the traditional seven layered salad (for Christmas of course), and picked up Laurizzle. than I finished the salad and headed out to meet my two sistas and mumsy for Chronicles of Narnia, which was oh so very good, but it could have been better. Sorry fans, but my impressed button is on short order. I like a lot of things, but getting easily impressed is something I still have to work on, eh? But yeah, it was very good. I grew up watching the BBC version of it, very corny, yet artistically claiming for that day and age. They definitely had it goin' on in this recent remake. I envied their dresses, well Susans' mostly...heehee...man, I want a dress like that! The computer animation was very well presented, however you could definitely tell at certain times that it was conjured up from the inner workings of a mechanical object, but most times it was hardly noticeable and because you were caught up in the plot, made it barely memorable. Oh, though watching it now and really catching on to all those connections to Scripture made it that much more worth watching...ooh! So good and just seeing some of that stuff and knowing how it connects to the Bible, I'll admit it, I was getting emotional! It was very good though. Probably won't go see it again, but I may buy it when it comes out on DVD or VHS, if VCR's are still around *wink*
By the way, Stephen Arterburn is amazing. Touched by God, so good.

No dice

So, it's been really good being home so far. Here's what I've done thus far:
Wednesday: got home, slept over at the Nemec's, watched a Nooma, made 3 cheesecakes
Thursday: Woke up at 6am (shuteye was at 1:30am...), sang Christmas carols for 2 hours, went out to eat with the crowd from church that showed up, slept, home, hung out, Christmas party for the college group, ate, hung out...Nooma video (luggage)
Friday: slept in, ran some errands (some last minute Christmas buys), went to my mom's and helped her and my sis Rachael bake for Eve get-together (3pm-10pm)
Saturday: slept in, went to Starbuck's, met my mom's other half, hung out at my sis Christine's apt from 4pm-11pm, watched White Christmas, hung out, good times, talked with my mom in her car for 3 hours...11-2am...
Sunday: woke up, breakfast at a restaurant with mi papa y mis tres hermanas....!tiempo bien! went to church...talked and hugged ALOT (and that's an understatement...one older gentleman (his wife was there too!) Laureen and I are friends with, almost cried...oh it was very emotional!), went home, ate popcorn, found out that the Simpson kids are the cutest kids of all time...hmmm....watched White Christmas with my dad, went to Uncles' house, chatted with relatives, lots of hugging...home...talked with Laureen, here.'

It has been good being home, lots has happened so far and the days ahead are guaranteed to be filled with events to recapture good times of the past so as to recreate and recapture moments for now...if that makes sense. But I have to admit that I am really glad I came home and I wouldn't trade these days, times, or moments for anything. It just makes me sad to even think that maybe one day I won't be so close by, y'know? I don't want to be. I love my family so much. Man, it's good to be home.
Tomorrow I am going to watch The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe with mom and sistas and Tuesday is my dad's side of the family get together/grab bag dilio. So that promises good times and lots of good eatin'!
Anywho...oh! Other news: I bought a Tony Little Gazelle Freestyle and am excited about it! So, it was about $100 and that's pretty cheap cause it costs about $200+ in the stores. I am pretty siked. But yeah, gotta go and hit the sack, I am bushed and am fighting a cold..I think. My whole fam is getting sick and I am not sleeping too pretty. So...we'll see! I think I may leave for home (in Nebraska) on Friday and make a stop in Omaha on Saturday...home by Saturday night and church on Sunday. Good times. We'll see though, y'know? I was going to go home on Wednesday, but I have a peace about leaving later and it's all good, y'know? Miss y'all! KIT, eh?!
Oh and Merry Christmas y'all!

Being Home

So, I am trying to decide when to leave here. I actually feel like maybe staying longer than this next Wednesday, which is when I was planning on heading out. Things here are ok. I had a really good time with my mom and two next oldest sisters. It's really nice to get together, we made: 2 batches of crescent rolls, 2 batches mocha balls, 2 batches of green stuff (jello but more than jello), and an apple crisp. It was good. We were able to listen to some good cds and talk some. I grew abit I think and that was good. Learned about my mom's boyfriend a little more. He is taking us out for coffee tomorrow cause he's leaving for Arizona to see his kids. That's cool. Tight-knit I hope they are. My dad's girlfriend left yesterday and left him with a whole pile of presents. He's pretty excited about it. But I won't get to meet her, well, if I don't stay longer, probably no. Truthfully? I kind of don't want to meet either of my parental units current other halves. Not sure why, but I think it's normal. I'm kinda just hanging out and doing what I need to do. Seeing who I need to see. Consistently talking to extended family members is definitely an area to work on for me. But yeah, so far so good I guess, I didn't sleep too well last night, but the night before (I slept over at my friend Linnea's) oh, it was sweet, sweet sleep. So, I hope to get better sleep tonight and put wishful thinking the something is wrong with the mattress, eh? eh?
I hope to go to church on Sunday. It is my dad's birthday as well, soo...perhaps. But we'll see. It's kind of late, eh? eh? Thought I'd throw some more Canadia in there. I am going to Canada near end of January! Woot woot! Recruiting trip for MBC, so I am pretty excited and also hope to make a trip to Mexico in March sometime. Laureen may go to Mexico as well, but not with the group that I am going with. Good times were had by all! But yeah. Tomorrow should be good and perhaps some deeper thoughts will be shared later on. Maybe something I have been pondering for awhile, eh? catch ya lata! Stay close with Jesus eh?

Going home

So, I am going home. this should be interesting. They don't even know that I'm coming home yet. Not sure if I should publish this, cause Laurizzle might read it, but the best comes in the end when you're lying on the floor crying for mercy. Tell me how that makes sense, I consider it a revelation. This has thrown me into a tangent...it's true. The sun comes out when you think you can't handle anymore, when you're broken and falling and alone, crying, and scared. In the times when you cry out to God, you can't sleep, you're eyes won't shut, you're body and mind are restless and you are sincerely hurting from the soul on out, that is when God chooses to lighten it, when you finally realize that you can't handle anymore and you give it to God. Why do we consistently do that? What does it gain us? It's perhaps that independence thing. We want to say that we did this or that we did that, we want to be able to do things on our own and trust only in us, when we're broken, isn't it funny, that that is when He hears us admit that we need Him. I guess an "expert" (per se) would be one who is doing just fine, in fact, they're doing great and awesome, everything is going right. They are the ones that will get down on their knees, plant thier face on the ground, and kiss the dirt knowing that they are there because of God. How many times will it take while we're lying on the ground, drinking our tears, that we will realize that there is something so much greater than us and we have to realize that in times of good and bad, not just bad times. Nothing is ours. Nothing belongs to us, not even us. Why do we act like it?
...how was that for a tangent?

10 things you might not know about me....I got tagged

1: I used to want to be Amish, deep inside I still do.
2: My twin was an unexpected child, and than there were two of us!
3: My mom signed me up for a tumbling class when I was like 6 or something. I never participated. Imagine that.
4: I've never been kissed
5: My longest "crush" was 8 years
6: I still get afraid of the dark
7: I've wanted to have some part in missionary work since I was about 11 years old
8: I haven't had a soda in 5 years, maybe 4 1/2 years
9: I used to sing in the church choir back home, most times wearing army boots, pigtails, a plaid skirt complete with shorts underneath, and a Philmore t-shirt....heehee...
10: I had to "relearn" how to cry

Ten things you didn't know...now you do...what say you? What say you?!!!

Well, I guess I tag Jo and Dez and whoever else may read this blog....perhaps Laureen and Toby...Hosanna if she ever gets around to it...I don't know who reads this....just tell me that I tagged you...haha! I figured it out...we'll go on an honesty system...if you read my blog, leave a little comment and I'll go to your blog to read the "Ten Things..." i don't know about you! Mrrmrrmrr! I am a genius! Ooo...I guess Jesus gets tagged too, but I don't think He has a blog, I guess I'll have to read His Book and see what I can learn about Him that I didn't know before..ooo...that's like a really fun way to do Bible research, eH? eh?

Crystal's amazing relationship advice....heehee...

*name not included to protect the victim...heehee* (...this part was added after e-mail was sent. blame it on my overactive brain, critical thinking, problem solving, oh just pick one!)
"Just find a woman who loves God and is yearning to be your helpmate. Her calling in life matches your calling in life. She'll be your bestfriend. Y'know? Too many broken relationships in Christians nowadays. So take your time and find that one, the one that you can see yourself better with her than without, the one who makes your stomach turn, the one you can't speak right with, the one you can argue with one moment and than tell them you love them the next, the one you love even when that "feeling" isn't there for the moment, the one you can't see yourself living without b/c you know she's gonna take real good care of you and you can't wait to take good care of her and one who you can love more than yourself, but you still love God more than her, vice versa and realizing together that you are able to serve God better and better each day because you have eachother. How's that?
....Keep pursuing God with all that you are, and in His own, good timing, He will show you all you need to know."

Ever feel like the fat kid in dodgeball...

...always picked last?

I was thinking about that and thought it was funny. A good analogy. Whatever.
So, I just got off the phone with my dad and it was interesting. He wanted to know what I wanted, he told me to give him the answer that was on my heart. That was kind of weird. A good weird, but weird nonetheless. Unfortunately for him, I play devil's advocate, usually against myself, so yeah. It was good though. Pressure is off, so he said I could come home now or when things tone down abit more. So that was pretty... pretty good. No worries and things are a'ok. Now I just have to figure out if going home is what I should be doing. Man, you'd think I had a bipolar disorder or something. Just makes you aware of how your emotions can affect you and if they go unchecked, man you've got a problem. Good thing Jesus loves me! mrr!
P.s. Oooo....so today I am excited about my devo! I am going to read about dependence and independence and all that jazz...good stuff. I am excited.
P.s.s. Something feels different. I feel focused again. Things still don't seem quite real, but I have this "oomph" for life that I get every once inawhile. That "feel good" feeling, y'know? You're excited for the day, to learn new things, and to just live. It's nice. It really is.

finished...for now!

I just got out of my psych final, picked up a few free books and now I am here, informing those of you who are out there, that i am done. Fine! (add an accent on the "e" and it'll make a whole lot more sense.) So I am relieved to be done, but nervous about my grades still. Man, I am too much of a perfectionistic, eh? I guess it's all good and done. I've basically done all that I can and handed in all the extra credit assignments and went to all (but one nutrition class. )= ) my classes. It's good. I am ready for a break, but still thirsting for something to tickle and tease my brain. Stimulation! Maybe I'll read my textbooks again just for fun...man, I am starting to sound like a nerd...mrr! Well, if God loves me, so do I. The weather outside seems pretty good. The lady that picks me up every Tuesday (Sue) told me I should wear a jacket more, eep! I guess I really am ok without one, but I get cold every once inawhile. No worries! Finals are done! If I get a "C" in psych though, I'm gonna have to take it over, so pray for my psych grade! Although, if I had to take it again, it'd be alright. I'd have the same teacher and get twice as much out of it, so no worries. I'd actually be excited to take it over, it's almost (but not nearly) as exciting as Cal MacFarlane's classes...oooo....now there was some soul food! Whoop! Kicked my spiritual butt all over the atmosphere. Well, I am getting better at remaining positive, so that's positive if I do say so myself. Well, this is already too long! Catch ya lata! Peace out, enjoy the break and I'm praying for you during this time of finals, finals, and more finals!

Part of me longs to be with them. All of me wants to tell them how much they need Jesus and have them hear me. Part of me wants to laugh, smile, and joke around with them. Part of me wants to make them dinner and give them little surprises. All of me wants them to believe that they do mean alot to me. All of me just wants them to understand. All of me just wants to curl up in Jesus' arms and rest. Part of me just wants to stay. To stand outside in the cold weather and breathe for a few moments and not think about the task of everyday life. Part of me just wants to lay in the snow and laugh at myself b/c I'm laying there b/c I fell there. To wake up with the sunrise and watch the sun go down at night. To walk around and see the stars. Hmm...

finals today! mrr!

God is so amazingly good to me. He woke me up at the proper time this morning and I was able to do devos and study a bit before the lovely JoAnn came to get me. I studied about relying on God and knowing that He loves you and thinks you're worthy. Colossians 1:15-23 was the passage and it was correlating to Jonathan ... mrr, can't remember his last name. Hmm...But there's been alot on my mind lately. This is just a little of it.
So I just finished my first final for today. One more to go: Psych. I must admit that studying for this one was much more difficult and I couldn't concentrate very well, so I studied for the one that I was able to, nutrition, I think I did pretty well. Hopefully close to an A+, but we'll see, eh? I am pretty nervous about this psych final. None of his tests are easy or even moderately challenging. They kick my butt. So, if I got a straight 100% on this final, I would get a 92% in the class. I was thinking last night how improbable that is. Nevertheless I am up for the challenge, at least I know what I am up against. I actually feel excited about studying more for this. I just hope my brain kicks into action.
Well, I've been thinking about going home and think I shocked my nutrition teacher with what I said about Christmas. I told her that I had missed last Christmas at home b/c I was in Canada (I think I worked Christmas Eve and spent Christmas alone...? I can't remember...) and that missing this Christmas wouldn't be a big deal b/c it's kind of lost it's meaning. I guess it's not that it lost it's meaning about Christ and His birth, I think that becomes more relevant to my life each passing year, day even, but Christmas at home isn't centered around that. We might go out for breakfast and later at night we'd go to my uncle's and eat and open our gift from our "Secret Santa". Talk about the weather and school and all that, new job, new place. It just feels so empty. We might get together with my mom and she would give us these little stuffed animals, a notepad, and a few ornaments, maybe a picture frame and a calendar she may think we'd like. Perhaps it's just become too predictable. As if I am standing in front of a movie rack, trying to figure out which movie I want to see again. You run the film through your mind and try to make a good choice. Part of me wants to please them. All of me wants to please God. I love my family. I do, I ache for them. I want to hang out with them and spend time with them. Why do I feel this unpeace? None of those reasons that would seem a barrier to me going home have never stopped me from doing just that. That I know. I love my family too much to not go home because part of me fears their disapproval. That I know. I sound borderline-ridiculous, don't I?
I guess I'm just confused. Is this really what God wants? Do I love God more than my family? I'm sure I do, otherwise I'd still be at home and working at Subway. Why is it so hard for me to grasp?
On another thought, although it's sort of connected: I guess in a sense I dislike expectations. Expectations for anything. Assumptions are bad too, but someone once told me that we live off of assumptions. Do you think we live off expectations or assumptions more? Expectations drive you, I suppose. Assumptions allow you the opportunity to not think, to live without really paying attention. Both are essential to life and yet they cause so much trouble. I also guess that that would be what you expect or what you assume. But what if that expectation was for you to go home for Christmas and the assumption was that you were going to do just that. You know what my problem was/is, I am, by nature, or conditioned perhaps, to be a people-pleaser. This is a tough job for anyone, I was a pro. Always willing to bend over backwards to please you and to be and do whatever you wanted. Maybe that's why I am having so much trouble nowadays. I am trying to be who I am yet my old people-pleasing nature is fighting it every step of the way. I'm blessed to be where I am at, in that I do what God wants over what even I want. I guess that's why I have to think a bit longer than most when I make a decision. I am trying to decide where my heart and motives are. But I still get confused and feel despaired. I love God and I love my family. I know what I have to do, why does it suck so much? Perhaps just that. I love my family. I don't want to hurt or disappoint them. I want the best for them. I want them to be happy and content and love Jesus. So why is it that when I give them what they want things just seem to get worse?
sidenote: We live in a country where near to nothing is ever denied us. What do we do in those times when God says "no"?

(God is still good and loving, always and always.)

just what's on my mind

So, I come bearing some iffy news...I don't think I am going home for Christmas...here's the dilio:
I was supposed to drive home with Kacy (from Oregon) and than drive back for some MBC snow fun! Wootwoot! But, she is unable to make it...*sad face*. Her car is poo and she isn't feeling right about coming. So...I tried to assure her that it was alright, she was kind of upset cause she knew I was looking forward to it. Today I talked to my sister on the phone and she was pretty much sad that I said I might not come home, but said that whatever God wanted was best. I know I didn't go home last year for Christmas, and this year, I just don't feel right about it. I know it's not good to base things off of feelings, but I've just been praying about it and I have had this feeling for a while like God didn't want me home this year. Why? Who knows. I sure don't. I know that I want to be obedient to whatever God has planned for me. I know that much. I know that I won't completely screw up the universe if I decide to make the wrong choice. Is it really this difficult? Am I making it harder than it seems? There are so many good reasons, I guess, to go home, and seemingly so few to stay here. But why is it that when I look at Greyhound tickets or an Amtrak ride, it feels like I am disobeying Him? Is this one of those sitch's where I just need to make a decision? I am at a loss right now. I am still joyful and ready to study for finals next week, but struggling with this decision. My family will be hurt if I don't go home and I am craving a few moments of time with Laureen. I would like to see my church family again and pick up a few things that I would like to have here, but why does it feel like something is wrong? This is one of those times when I think I just have to trust God that His best is out there and whatever I can see (which isn't much) is not even a miniscule part of what He has planned for me. mrr.
Anywho...I sent out a bunch of support letters today...mrr! Pray for them please, they are important to my thriving here. Yes I am surviving, but thriving is so much better.
I spent half my workday doing that and than half my work day dry mopping and than wet mopping the gym. Whoo! Blisters are a welcomed on me hands, I tell ya!
Oh, I had suppers 8 (a group of 8 or 10...from my church here(Berean Fellowship Church) get together and eat and talk) on Thursday! God is so good. He is continually faithful to get me in and out of town when needed. (which reminds me, I have to call for a ride for church tomorrow) But that is another story about that...but during the talking time which was after the eating time...ooo....let's break so I can tell you about supper....we had this amazing salad (mixed greens, mixed nuts, homemade salad dressing, broken up ramen noodles...ooo), breaded halibut (from Alaska of all places! caught by the host himself!) and another fish...(name escapes me...), savory potatoes, homemade bisquick rolls, and this amazing peach cobbler...oh, so very amazingly good! But yeah, so we were talking and got on the subject of society, love, and need. Which kind of connects to what I talked about before (man, I'm kinda hungry...). But the host said, "Love is the act of fulfilling a need." I thought that was so interesting that he said it...I also tried really hard to remember that! But also about what the different sexes need at a high school age (boys-respect/ girls-security). I was just blessed throughout the evening with the conversation and just how they were talking about how we were all family and if someone had a need than share it and all this. It was refreshing and I have to admit, it was making me cry. It was like God saying, "hey, it's ok to ask for what you need." meeting a need is like saying "I love you" to someone, I guess, because you care enough about them to take the time out or to make the sacrifice to get that other person what they need. So many do without because they are afraid of asking or afraid of rejection or whatever. But could it be more detrimental to your health, body, soul, and mind to put that aside and ignore what God built into you as a need? A need is meant to be met, otherwise God wouldn't have built it into you as a need. Independence is definitely a pusher when it comes to stifling needs. But on the other hand you are taking the chance of telling someone, who might not love you enough to meet your need, something that could cause some mrrmrrness between you. Y'know? I don't know. Any aspect of relationships seems so tricky! Did God mean for it to be this way? Surely not. Always guessing, always wondering. Man...but I guess if everyone was really blunt about everything, we'd all be pretty badly off. Everyone would hate eachother. Maybe not...now I am just babbling. But, the point is, is that everyone has needs. Are we watching for those people who are not yet ready to come out and ask for us to meet that need, so we can meet their need without them even asking? If you do, it's kind of like saying, "Hey, I care about you. It's ok to ask if you need something. Even if you can't ask, I'm watching out for you." Yeah. Hugs, encouragement, rides, smiles...those are all things that I need. I have to admit that sometimes people do notice the need and meet it, but sometimes I have to be brave and ask. So it's a two-way thing. Relationships...although in the tough times they may be 20-80 or 60-40 instead of 50-50, they should never be 0-100. Y'know? yeah.

to continue on...

Yes yes....so I will talk alittle about relationships today and love...but will I talk about them together, just keep reading I guess...is that a good teaser?
anywho...I had two lovely, God-filled young ladies stay in my trailor last night. I got to "take care" of them, sort of. It was fun playing hostess! But yeah, my good friend Hosanna called and she asked about them staying over, plus one guy, but he stayed at Toby's ...no way is a boy staying at my place unless he's a guy I am related to or is staying with me with his wife or I am his wife...lol! I crack myself up! But I think those are the only allowable circumstances to have a guy actually stay overnight in my trailor. Maybe if I'm not there...
Do you believe the rule that "rules are made to be broken" if so, does it apply to all rules or just some of them?
I found out what the word "pansy" meant today...not going to use that one anymore.
Okay...so one of the girls (Yvette) asked me what I liked best about living here at MBC. Here's what I concluded: no matter what I am going through I am learning something. I love how much I am learning about anything. I learned how to take care of a trailor in the winter, how to fix some stuff on a car, how to change a bicycle tire, how to drive stick shift, how to belay for wall climbing, I'm learning some new tricks on my skates...so much in terms of "outside myself" learning, but also internal stuff, like how not worry, how to let things go, how to love unconditionally. That's a good one. It's so refreshing knowing that even if you do something wrong a person who unconditionally loves you will let it go and move on. They aren't going to throw it in your face later or use as backstabbing collateral. I really like that and in some sense I love unconditional love. It brings peace. It's amazes me. It near makes me want to cry because I know what it feels like to receive it and I know how great it is to "pass" it out as well. It really is an amazing thing.
I guess this next piece is tied to the previous piece:
did you ever notice in movies that guys always go for the "amazingly hot" girl and leave the more "girl-next-door" friend at home? I just noticed this trend in movies, call me blind, maybe I am just acknowledging it now. It even happens in cartoons: Shark Tale (not worth seeing), Wives and Daughters, these are the only two I can think of right now... but, not to give girls slack, this happens to guys in movies too: 10 things I hate about you, 13 going on 30...etc. Granted there are movies where one friend is going for the other friend and that friend refuses them because it's a one-way feeling... Anywho, this isn't very well thought through now that I threw that in there...call it a cloud-clearing during processing... I don't know, in my own observational experiences and in what entertainment I've seen, the population tends to move toward the seemingly beautiful, but obviously depthless things, ppl, etc. Man, need to clear my head...ok, so they go for these things that are popping up when you least expect them to, almost to fulfill some need immediately, when right in front of them is what they've wanted/needed all along. Why is that? Why do we go for what we think we want/need when what we really need/want is right there? Are we just not aware of what we truly want/need? I guess that's why I pray that so much, "God give me what I need." because sometimes, you just aren't aware of what you truly do want/need. You know?
does any of this make sense? We are reaching out, grasping for money, people, things, ideas, dreams, that are not good for us and we give all that we are and all that we have to obtain it and than if and when we do get it, it's not what we want or need at all. Why? Are we just not willing to wait? Or we not patient enough? are we too patient? are we not putting in the work needed to get what we really need? are we not willing to put ourselves out there in vulnerability? (I s'pose that one has more to do with relationships, cause if you want a red Corvette...is there vulnerability involved?)
Here's my conclusion: we want the best and we can't recognize it when we see it, so we go for the cheapened and the useless.
Yeah, so that's it I guess, man I feel so...mrrr, now. Any comments?

YeeeHaaAWWWW!!!!!!

Yeah, so things here are going pretty well! I just got to talk to my parental unit (dad) and my sis Rachael last night. No longer are either single but exclusively dating...they at least sound happy, I am excited for them, but hope that both are Christians or at least are going that way...hmmm...but anyway, I also talked to my good friend Kacy from Oregon and she just quit her job...she didn't like it and although I am kind of mrred b/c I don't know what other job opportunities she has...she is coming out here and coming home with me for about a week! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so excited....I just can't hide it!!!! woot woot! I am really excited. Can't you tell! But it makes me sad cause Laureen just bought her plane ticket to go home the night before! MRR! But I trust that God has a plan and that He is working through it all. That much I know. So I trust Him and wait to see what will happen in minor anticipation! Just signed up for some classes and am not sure whether to sign up for math or keep my ceramics class...I reallly want to keep my class...but duty may call me to be ... dutiful. Yeah. So, we'll see and perhaps I can even do an independent study for ceramics...? Plus I have to find out which math class I actually need: college algebra or intermediate algebra... we'll see, but I have no clue how to do that, but I have an idea of where to start, so that's something. Well, best go...I have some other things I want to chat about, but I am running out of time and out of here! Mrrmrrmrr! (think Underdog...)
TTFN! MMRRRR!

God is so good!

I feel as if that title implies that because I am going to write something good, that God is only good when I am feeling good or when good things happen. Don't get me wrong, it is excellent when I'm "walkin' on sunshine" (which is my theme song by the way...) but I also see the good in the seemingly bad and ugly.
I guess that means today, I'm Clint Eastwood and the others have or will come out later... ;)
Anywho...I'm just waiting cause on our way out of camp our van did a 360 into a ditch...yes, Crystal got into another vehicle accident, just can't seem to get enough of them, eh?
But I'm just waiting like a good girl in the office. Waiting and waiting. Yeah, but last night, I can't tell you how much I got done. I know it's a bad idea to work 7 days a week, but this was so refreshing, mostly because I got some stuff done that I haven't been able to get to in awhile and though it's not completely finished, it's more organized so it will be easier to tackle in the next few days. But I got so much done. God really multiplied my time. I like to think it's because I am trying to honor Him with my time and all that I am. But it's more than that, it's simply because He loves me and that is refreshing.
School is going pretty well and if I kick butt, mayhaps I can even get an "A" in psych! wootwoot! Yeah, so I am pretty psyched...heehee pardon the unintentional pun! Better than drowning my tea bag for information though! (Dez, you know what I'm talkin' about, nudge, nudge!) Wow, I feel different than before. Perhaps I was taking a walk in the valley, eh? God is so good not to leave us there forever though.
Going home: a possibility, but not a definite as of yet. We'll see what happens as the week unfolds. Laureen just bought a round-trip ticket from Sacremento to Chicago. Thereby leaving me to drive home and back here by myself. Doesn't leave us much time to hang out, which really grieves me. But we decided that since a roundtrip costs about $250.oo and one from redding to north platte would cost $350.oo oneway only, we didn't think it was right to go that route. There are plans in action though. I really hope that God works things out to His glory. I will miss the time with my sister, but she has way more time to spend at home, a job opportunity, and no rush to go back to redding. So I am content that God is working through this. Don't know how He's going to use it, but He will. Sounds weird to me even that I am writing about this. Seems somewhat juvenile. You never really know how close you are to someone or how much they mean to you until you are separated, even if only for a day.
Much love to you all. (Jo, these are getting longer...hope that satifies you, my dear!)

bloogger for werd

This is a test for blogger for word…hmmm… this could be interesting. I almost never have to go on blogger again…crazy!

statistic

35% of adults believe that 80% of the top 20% of the world's population are wrong about what 65% of the world believes 50% of the time.

hmmm....someone stole my blog!

well, they didn't really steal it, they are just using the same backdrop...makes me sad that there isn't more creativity floating around. It'd be way more fun to hack out your own blog design and smack it up. I've seen it done and than they put them up so that others can use them. I suppose imitation is the best form of flattery, so I will assume that they saw how amazing my blog was and just had to copy the design! Well, that makes me feel alittle better!
Today I had my second run in with the climbing wall here. I didn't climb it this time, but I was balaying (sp?), which was fun. My hands are hurting after 3 hours though. Whoo! What a drag...heehee, just a little balay humor, I guess. But all in all it was good. The building I work in is pretty shut down right now, but there's still alot to do. Alot of cleaning and such before it can really be put to sleep for awhile. Than my domain will be the gymnasium, of which I am not sure who will clean it while I am gone for Christmas break, but I am sure the Lord already knows that one...which means the maintenance guys will probably have the task of makin' it happen! Whoo hoo! Yeah Maintenance Men! Anyhow, I plan to leave for Chicago (OH YEAH!!! I AM REALLY EXCITED! CITY...HERE I COME!) with my sista Laureen (who's driving in from Cali sometime in the next week and a half) around the 16th...my old high school leader and his wife are called to work in the UAE and craziness has it that I must say goodbye. I may cry. Oh me oh my! hmmm....what else can I rhyme with that?
This is kind of lighthearted compared to previous posts the last few months. I am so much more focused on God now. It's really quite nice. It doesn't mean that the issues aren't still there, but knowing that God is beside me and feeling that more so now, makes things a lot lighter to carry.
Today I was doing my devos and read 1 John 3:1-10 and though I don't remember specifically what it was referring to, I do remember having the concept of "today has enough worries of it's own" finally hit home. As well as the concept of God numbering our steps and holding our future. I could envision it and feel it. The way that someone just lets it go and knows that they don't have to worry as long as they are putting it all in God's hands. They can pray for the day and know that as long as they stay close to Jesus' side, they will get all that He wants them to get done for that day. That includes me. I have quite a few things to do this next few weeks: finals, tests, a few papers, cleaning for groups, set-up for groups, prepping to leave for IL, and PSI and keeping in touch with friends and all that. I am at peace with all that I have to do, because I know that because I am on God's side, He will help me get it all done, and at His timing. I just have to be a good steward of the time He's given me and of the resources. This includes discipline. Of which I am heavily lacking in quite a few areas. But I find that when I do buckle down and discipline myself and stay focused on what is right and not on what I want, than things go much, MUCH smoother and in the end I feel as if I got a lot more accomplished and that God can be proud of me, in a sense, because I was being a good steward and following Him instead of my selfish desires.
I like this. This feeling of peace and of rest, even though I am tired still. But there's this focus on God that I haven't had for awhile. I am not as worried and uptight, mentally anyway, the body is still in need to fall inline completely. But yeah. It's nice. I can't explain it. I just love Jesus a whole lot and feeling this way almost makes it more difficult to say that. I don't know why, but when I am having a hard time it's almost easier to express how much I love Him. But I have this joy right now that is indescribable. I know this is where I am supposed to be and even though I am not sure why, I am really happy. But more than that, I am full of joy and that is such a blessing. Love you.

whoohoo!

So, exciting news: I got an "A" on my psych paper on post-traumatic stress disorder! that was a 49/50 by the way and the only comment was that I needed a stronger thesis...so that's pretty good! I feel better about this class. I hope that I can at least raise my grade to a "B" by the end...let's see if I got "A's" on all my focal questions, one "D-" on a test, two "B+'s", an "A" on the paper....I have two focal questions left, one test, and the final, plus I can do an extra credit paper as well to "oomph" my grade up a bit...so chances are if I work hard enough I can get a "B"...does that sound about right to y'all...you probably don't want to hear all of this. But I am super thankful for it and for the sleep that I've been getting, but it seems as though the more sleep I get the more tired I am. I guess I should just get more sleep on the early side of 12am, eh?
But yeah, so I got something else figured out. My mom does this weird thing, she signs all of her cards "mommy". That's kinda weird. But I was chatting with my mom on the phone and I asked her a question and she goes, "Wait, I'm the ADULT here..." So that's it, I thought. I'm not an adult in her eyes. I talked to Laureen and she expanded on my thought. Our parents got divorced when we were twelve. Neither of them really paid much attention to us after that, so it would only make sense that we aren't adults in her eyes. She still thinks we're 12. She may not realize it, but why else would a mother of a 28, 26, 24, and 2-22yr old daughters still sign things "mommy"? She never saw us grow up. She went to the concerts and the graduations and all that, but she was never really involved in all those things mothers are normally involved with in their kids' lives as they grow up. Especially daughters. There's a bond that forms. We don't have that bond. We're friends, but I never considered her my mother. I guess it could also be the way that her mother treated/treats her, but there it is. That's not really something that I'm having a problem with, but I def wanted to know the reason why, y'know? Anywho, God is being really good to me and teaching me alot as I go about each day. I am trying to get more sleep, my eating habits need to be more consistent and better, and organization in the home is key. So, I am def carrying over alot of the good habits I accrued when I was at home for the summer.
I'm going to be alright. But referring to the last post, I suppose one question was weighing on my mind, is it alright to need someone?
I know that it is. God made us to need one another and that is an amazing thing to share. But I almost need more of a reason. I also suppose that that seems a bit needy....eh? eh? =) But y'know? I guess it reminds me of numerous times when I would tell my parents that I needed them (one time I needed comfort from my dad...I threw up on the bus and he really didn't care...I guess I expected him to do what a mother would normally do. But she wasn't there, she was hard to get ahold of, and I usually came home to an empty nest...I was an empty-nester at a very early age...) and they were fairly unresponsive, or like said before, passed us off to someone else. I remember crying in front of my dad when he would yell at me for something, usually for making him upset, and he would ask me why I was crying. I didn't know why. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loved me and that everything was going to be alright. He never did though. That kind of makes me sad. I needed him, but he didn't know how to show me he loved me. He only knew anger. That makes me sad because I know his childhood wasn't the greatest either, and that makes me love him even more. i hope that that is enough, but deep down I know it won't be.
Maybe my pain isn't just for me, it's for my family. I know what they're going through and it's lonely and crazy. I think we all want to be a family, but we don't know how. I grieve for my past and my parents' pasts because I know that they regret alot of choices they've made. I am thankful that God has given me but one regret. One that will be fixed before long. I love God and the family that He's given me. I am thankful for my past because I know that God will use it. There is a point to pain and a point to heartache. We'll just have to wait and see how He uses it. I am focused on Him and what He wants from me and I will pursue that with all that I am. I know that that is enough and that's enough.
All my love.

#1 continued...

So, pondering is something I have been doing alot of and I was analyzing that "self-discovery" post. I don't think I'm even afraid of needing someone. I want to need someone. But when I do, and there's near to an open expression for that need, than I usually back down. I'm working on it. But that's not really a fear of needing someone, at least I don't think so. So what is it then? Well, this is what I came up with:
I'm afraid of needing someone who doesn't want me to need them.
There it is. I think that's the last bit of it. Can it go any deeper?
For most of you who know me, you know that I overanalyze things. So this is my overanalyzation...
When I need something, first I try to figure out if I really need it, sometimes I'll talk to God about it. If it's really important we do alot of talking. But I internalize the need and put myself in the scenario and try to figure out what their response will be (which is probably impossible). Good responses and bad ones and when I am convinced I will get a negative reaction, than I leave it alone. I suppress the need, thought, etc. and convince myself that because they will ultimately reject me, I don't need it.
So I guess that would explain why I don't like rejection.
I've also been told that I'm cynical about marriage. I find this surprising b/c I really want to get married. But an outward source is usually pretty good for telling someone things they don't see or understand, etc.
So, I thought about this as well. Perhaps a lack of good role models? Everyone on my dad's side has been divorced at least once. My mom's side has a bunch of unstable relationships, very little communication and lots of gossip. All of my older sisters have been in numerous unhealthy relationships and one of them is choosing to stick with the current guy.
However, church has def blessed me with a number of couples with healthy relationships and that is amazing. God's gift to me. My mentality is to shift to the unhealthy relationships that I've seen and than I stereotype that...as far as putting myself in that category as well, thinking that that is also going to happen to me. Not necessarily divorce but the unhealthy relationship. I don't know if I fully understood all of this til now, but I guess now, what do I do with it. I am def praying hard to God. I am so desperate for Him to show me what He wants to show me. I was reading my last post and it sounds like I'm just focusing on me and i do, alot. That's something I also need to work on. But with all of this info., i suppose the first thing to do is to change my mentality. Shift it to the good. Try to remember the church and not the family, in regards to healthy relationships. I guess I have a talent for focusing on the negative, although I suppose that can be seen as a curse too...hmmm....

food for thought

Perhaps these Christian desires has slipped away from God's desires? Maybe we've failed in teaching what it means to bear with one another in love, what it means to stick with a choice even when it doesn't pan out for us?

sorry this is underlined...hmmm...call me blogger incompetent, eh?
anywho...food for thought. what are you desiring that isn't from God? are you bearing with one another in love? this is so important. i know i love my friends because they don't shun me for being stupid sometimes and will listen and entertain me. i love my friends and knowing that they are there, waiting for me, loving me, and praying for me makes all the difference. certainly a God-send.

notice

just so you know, my posts aren't going up right away, there may be a post hiding somewhere, so just go to the month and click on it and usually the current post will be there....weird...

making old mistakes

yeah, so i am a poo. i said it. i'm a poo. anyhow, i have paper due in about 6 minutes. it's done, just biding my time till i can hand it in, but yeah. i stayed up until 6:10am this morning finishing it, that's what i get for irresponsibility with my time, eh? oh well. live and learn, unfortunately i don't think i'm learning a whole lot right now. just being stupid. man, this is alot to undertake. i know God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle, and i can see why He really hasn't given me anymore to handle, i'm not handling what i have very well. truth be told, i've been thinking about this, i love school because i love to learn and i love homework...weird, huh? but sometimes i lose why i am going to school. one of my goals is to get a degree and head off to culinary school, but sometimes...truth be told (again) i just want to get married and have a bunch of kids....sounds ridiculous i know. but i pray to God to show me what He wants me to do with this college education, cause i sure don't know what to do with it. say i open a restaurant or go overseas, God show me what way i can impact the world, at least my surroundings, for His glory and His Plan. Cause my miniscule thinking is just that, miniscule. if He doesn't give me a vision, than i sure don't have a specific one in mind. i will float around and have no real focus. at least now i have a focus, even though i'm not sure what kind of focus that is....God bless, eh?!

miss you all. keep in touch!

Dalton...i haven't heard from you in awhile! Dez....how's your bf? Jo...how's the heart?

self discovery #1

someone once, well, a number a times actually, asked me if i was afraid of commitment.
it took me awhile to figure this one out. i know that i'm not afraid of commitment, if anything i overcommit. so, after much reflection i have come to the conclusion that i am not afraid of commitment. but i am afraid of something deeper, want to know what it is? well i'll tell you.
i am afraid of needing someone. i'm afraid they will leave me and they won't want me anymore.
i am afraid of rejection. trust me, it's happened alot.


there's obviously more to it than that. past experience has led me into this independence and fear, regarding my parents divorce and such. that and everytime i have expressed a need (which is difficult enough, b/c you have to voluntarily put yourself in this vulnerable state to see if someone will answer it or push you away), mostly emotional or personal support, etc. i have been ignored and pushed aside, or passed on to someone else to try and take care of it. i think this has to do more with my experiences of growing up with my dad who didn't pay much attention, if any, to our emotional state. he took in facts and analyzed them. not taking into consideration our feelings (not that all were justified) but his own circumstances instead. i don't want to sound whiney. i hope that i don't. i am making public knowledge of why i do and think some of the things that i do and think, or don't, perhaps. yeah.


this sort of ties into that poem i wrote awhile ago on my poetry blog; entitled "a little girl".
i also wrote one called "arriving home". i wrote that one for what i want to be, also like a backdrop for the P31 woman, y'know? i don't know. both i consider well-written and consider them a pair. yeah.

distractions

This was part of a post by my good friend Daltonator about how a Starbuck's cup left up at the front of the church during a Sunday service became a distraction from worshipping God:

"Actually, think also to New Testament times, when people went to the temple to give sacrifices. Can you hear that? Those goats whose cry is stikingly similar to that of a small child? Uh-oh. Can you hear the ram? The sheep? However did THEY worship God in such a loud setting? I don't know, but they did.
If there is too much light, then people can't be pensive, if the song is too short, then nobody can really get 'into it', blah-blah.
Being ushered into the presence of God cannot be staged. Its a true moment that occurs when God meets with you in a lasting way. Its happened to me before.
Chances are that there will never be another coffee cup on stage at Cobourg (the programming team wouldn't allow it). But if the little things hinder us from giving our all to our Maker, maybe your God is little too."
Good stuff, good stuff.

things here are going pretty well. I am in the office getting ready to go and i think just this past week and a half, 3 or 4 of my friends are engaged to be married. Craziness i tell yoU!
but, things are going well. I got quite a bit of work done and called my dad today, so that was good. my mom and i are getting closer, so that's good. I am hoping to go home for Christmas with Laureen and Kacy and so that will be quite a bit cheaper.
i am still really tired and was slightly irritated today...miscommunication, but i did pretty well to contain myself and get over it.
sometimes i think that i am just wasting space over here. i just want to make sure that i am doing all that i need to do and all that needs to get done. so hopefully they don't regret hiring me, which i don't think they do. so i'm mostly just being stupid.
i am in process of making support letters for my 1.4 year experience of being a full-time missionary here and hopefully can raise enough so that i don't have to get paid by the camp...financially that would be WAY better for the camp, so that's the goal anyhow.
ummm....i took 1.7 hours to fill out a survey..whoo! for those of you who received it, good luck!
it was fun though, i think those are pretty much the only "forwards" that i enjoy receiving and passing on. i do enjoy them immensely.
i wrote a few more poems.
i am way behind in school. but prayerfully will get lots done this weekend.
i am still feeling pretty disconnected from life, but sleep will hopefully help me out.
i think i am going to talk to the worship leader about joining the choir-ppl have to try-out to sing in it...that's different for a church choir. for me anyway.
welp, that's about it.
keep me in your prayer: i have a cold, sleep, homework, being diligent and to have better time-managment, an unspoken, and for family salvation (dad and 3 sisters).

love and miss you all.
keep with Christ.

these times and others

"If you want something you've never had. You have to do something you've never done."

so. I have had a cold for about a week now. Mrr. no fun, but makes me appreciate being well and right now I feel like that day will never come again. But that's the cynic in me. So, things are seemingly more unreal than before. At night it is pretty bad still. right now even. But you've heard all this before. Work is good. Wasn't planning on working today, but that's alright. My teacher rescheduled my redo test thing and I called to say that I wouldn't be at Supper's 8 which is something the church here does. Although, my Supper's 8 is actually a Supper's 9. There's nine of us, not including one lady's baby. =) anywho. I don't know. I think and worry too much. Pray for that. my worrying. The guy I work with (Tobias) keeps telling me to relax. He sure keeps me on my toes and keeps me quite diverted as well. So it's a fun work environment. My "boss" Scot is pretty fun too. Always keeping me in line and is like a surrogate dad. He is trying to make sure that I take care of myself, but I'm not doing too too good. We had a group of 250 high school kids plus staff here this last weekend...can you say "no sleep". My cold keeps me at the edge of real sleep. I don't know what that is anymore. Sleep. Makes me think back to my high school days when I didn't know what sleep was than, either. But it was great and I wouldn't trade those days for anything. I wouldn't trade these ones either.
My hands are getting dry again which is pooey. They only get gross in the winter, but last winter in Saskatchewan (of all places) my hands were great, no dry skin at all. I have selective extremely dry skin...whatever that's called, I don't even want to attempt to spell it. Mrr!
I miss you all. I need more hugs. I initiate almost all of them. I want someone to run up to me and just give me the longest, biggest hug ever. I need one of those. yeah. Hmm....makes me happy just thinking about it.
Tomorrow I have class and don't want to go. Not complaining, I love school, but right now I am so tired I feel like crying. I'm so confused, my brain hurts and I just want to feel like things are real again. I don't even remember what that's like. Only two more weeks. that sounds terrible, but it's true. I have alot to do in two weeks.
God is being so good to me though. He hasn't struck me down dead yet, so it's always a good day. I am so sinful and He still loves me. He still loves me. Thank you God! I would definitely be dead without Him. That's awesome and great and wonderful. I am so blessed. I really am. The people here rock and I keep getting presents and fun stuff and they don't mind that I hug them every time I see them. So it's all good. Love you guys.

P.s. I put up some new poetry in case y'all want to check it out. hopefully I'll get my old poetry up sometime. I wrote it in high school and descending so...I like it. It's fun.

mrr mrr mrr mrr mrr!

"Sooner or later, you are going to learn, just as I did, that there is a difference between KNOWING the path and WALKING the path." - Morpheus

So, I love Jamie Cullum....just so you know. He's a Brit crooner. So good. I can't stand it. He's got a beautiful voice.
Anywho, I have a cold. I am getting better. The sides of my throat are still pretty sore and my nose acts up about every 10-20 minutes. Mrr. But that's okay. I will be well soon. It really makes you appreciate the time you aren't sick, eh?
The path to self-discovery is a long one. I am trying to be comfortable with who I am and not try too hard to be something I am not. But it's kind of fun, opening up.
I find that I am very inquisitive and God has given me the gift of asking random questions all the time. It's quite fun. I am pretty creative and I love to read and bake.
God is really working on me about self-discipline as well. Mind, body and soul. It's pretty difficult though, eh? My mentor Jean (who is a MBC staff member as well) and I agreed that it is pretty much inherited from everybody. Mayhaps it's an airborne disease, you think? Like that Bird Flu thing...that's not airborne yet though, but it could be. If it does become so, stay indoors, it's not safe outside! I'm serious! See this face?! Well...maybe you wouldn't...Pancakes are good! No pancakes this weekend though...=( sad face )=
Pray for me...I have 3.5 invitations for Thanksgiving dinner...don't want to make the wrong choice...who's got the best pumpkin pie y'know? mrr!

No, but seriously...I would like direction...this is a decision and it goes to the Lord. Sounds almost ridiculous now that I've asked for prayer about it.
welp! See you later!

life is not real

Do you ever feel as if life does not exist. I walk around and look at my surroundings, the moon, the trees, life in general, or people and wonder if it is all really here. As if every day I am walking through a dream. It's quite disturbing, I must say. I once told someone I was having these experiences quite often. She told me that usually when someone goes through this behavior they are trying to get away from something. So I ask myself, what am I trying to get away from? You know what, I don't know. Perhaps I am dissatisfied with my present situation, however, I cannot imagine another situation that I might be content in. I know that this is where God wants me and perhaps the duration here will be a little longer than anticipated. I am stubborn enough and most determined to stick it through and find out why God has placed me here, and during this time. It seems most inconvenient. Our camp is going through some very big financial problems, mostly debt it seems. My gift has been raised and I feel as if 1) I am undeserving and 2)stealing from the camp. Not stealing in the sense that I have ill-gotten gain, but that they need it more than I. I suppose when I came here that I was proud that I would be so inexpensive to keep around. Having a "pay" raise makes that alittle more difficult to realize. It just pains me to see so many people affected by one person (who by most would be the one to blame, this person is no longer employed here, they were not "let go"). I just want to go back a few months ago and fix it. Make it so the debt could have never occurred. There were so many things that could have been done to make sure that this never happened. But there was miscommunication and poor-planning. I feel so helpless. I know that I am doing almost all that I can to make sure that I am not overspending or anything, at least with what one would call the "camp's" money. I have to admit, sometimes I am frivilous with mine, which really isn't mine, it's Gods. If I were to be completely truthful, I feel as if my whole life is out of control. My homework is weeks behind and when I am motivated to do it, I can't. When I finally can, I am too tired. It is as if there is so much going on, yet I look and I see nothing. It's weird. I know that God is close, yet He feels so far away. It's interesting that I say that, because one of my other friends is going through the same thing. She feels as if she is a boat floating in the middle of an empty ocean. I still love God, I am still pursuing Him, reading His Word, but yet, here I am, in the middle of an empty ocean crying out to God, and He's asking me, "Why did you move?" I guess I just have to figure out where I am. These times are welcome though, because I know that only good will come out of it if I keep my eyes focused above, even though the duration of them is of difficulty. I know that God is in control, but perhaps I don't trust Him.
There is something inside of me that is bursting forth, I don't know what it is, but I am trying to suppress it. I am so confused and lost, yet I have some sort of a focus. There was a time when life felt real. I guess I have what you would call "matrix-syndrome". I see fault in so many, yet I realize they are my own. Change comes with little easiness. I miss my friends up at Briercrest. I miss being home. I love the weather here and the place. It is peaceful when I decide to be as well. Is it possible to be content with your work and the place you are at, yet still be unsatisfied?
Well, that was a bagful. I shall take leave.

maybe.

Sometimes I wonder why once you think or feel that things are getting easier, they get worse. Not worse in a bad way, but just more difficult. I am frustrated and I feel like crying. I hate this. It's one of those things that you just wish would go away and than you don't. I don't know. Life seems this way. God, I need you. Maybe I'm just tired or did too much today. That could be it to. Maybe I know that this weekend, I have time off, so I can rest and catch up on homework. Maybe my hands are so dry that I'm just...yeah. Maybe. Mrr.

the day is done

man, today was kind of rough. I am falling asleep over here. i feel sort of dumb, i talked about someone today, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either, not uplifting, so it counts as gossip and that ticks me off. i hate doing that. it's so not what God wants for me nor myself. I am frustrated, about a few other things as well, but we won't get into that, not a sharing thing, y'know. not bad, but not sharable yet, unless you're part of a select few...hmmm...
anyhow, so i am invited to go to a house and listen to a missionary guy and stuff and hear him and his wife talk about thier stuff, but i am so tired, i just want to go home, but it's only 2 hours. i guess if i really wanted to go, i would be leaving, b/c it starts in ten minutes. hmm...i guess i don't really want to go. i am trying to decide if i should walk home or drive. i have to stop by the office and hand in time sheets and all that. do you ever feel like you are doing everything, and than sometimes feel like you're doing nothing. i know that i am pretty replaceable, but sometimes you feel just so, valuable, you know? not that i'm not valuble, but i am replaceable. hmmm.. this could veer down the morbid path. anyhow, i burned my arm again today. mrr. no fun! i am trying to pay off my loan asap! i am taking a finance class and it's really keeping me motivated! whoohoo! but yeah, i best go. i am falling asleep over here! feeling guilty about not going though, mrr. why? b/c i'll let ppl down and i hate that. but, truthfully i don't think that they think that i'm letting them down. i realized yesterday that i am like Adam Sandler's friend in Wedding Singer, the one that is trying to be like Michael Jackson..."sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything's gonna be alright." i need to talk to Jesus.

disappointments

i was going to write about a friend. but why don't i just start with how that last post would have finished? ...so, why am i saying this about them when i should say, "perhaps, i am disappointed in myself. i do have alot to work on." not sure if that's exactly how i would've put it, but i'll deal, i guess. hmmm...i want to share, but not yet. not yet. we'll see what happens. pray for me, pray for my heart, pray for wisdom and guidance and diligence...i have alot of homework to do this weekend! i sure miss you all alot.

it'a all about respect...?

Hey y'all, I've got a question for you.

1. What does it mean to respect someone, friend, marital partner, parent, etc.?

2. What does that look like?

some lifetime inspiration...=)

Don't Grow Old
===============

Many people are afraid of growing old.
I'm afraid of growing old and boring.

Many people are afraid of growing old, alone.
I'm afraid of growing old, insane.

Many people are afraid of losing their looks.
I'm afraid of losing my dreams.

Many people are afraid of losing their youth.
I'm afraid of losing my soul.

When you're 15, 35 seems ancient.
When you're 35, 15 seems juvenile.

A turnaround in a split second - two decades zoom past and
before you know it, it's only a mile to the next millennium.

Don't fear age,
it's a right of person-hood.

Don't fear death- it's God's greatest jest.

Don't grow old - you don't have to.

Don't date because you're desperate.

Don't marry because you're miserable.

Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.

Don't separate because you think it's fashionable.

Don't drink because you have troubles.

Don't gamble because you think winning is inevitable.

Don't philander because you think you're irresistible.
Most likely, you're not.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat.
Don't lie.
Don't pretend.

Don't try to buy your way into the kingdom of God.

Don't dictate because you're smarter.

Don't demand because you're stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you're old enough and know
better.

Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.

Don't sell yourself, your family or your ideals.

Don't stagnate.
Don't regress.

Learn a new skill.

Find a new friend.

Start a new career.

Don't live in the past.

Time can't bring anything or anyone back.

Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.

Don't throw you life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking and you can't afford to have your
eggs harvested before the new millennium.

There's always a mad rush to something, somewhere - but victory
does not always belong to those who finish first.

Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid
for some of life's more hasty decisions.

You can't always go with the throng who could be wrong.

Sometimes, you have to be alone to be enlightened.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.

Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong
reasons.

To keep yourself warm, buy a jacket.
In the long run, it will be less complicated and less costly.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of
what you can be.

Simplify your life.
Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements - abusive friends, nasty habits
and dangerous liaisons.

Don't abandon your responsibilities, but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your
family.

Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you're not ready.

Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Fall in love - it's the greatest thing on earth.
But take care and remember, after the fall must come the rise.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.

Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you must even at society's scorn.

Write poetry. Love deeply. Walk barefoot. Hold hands.
Dance with wild abandon. Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.

You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except you.
It is true that life doesn't get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.

Don't be afraid.
Don't lose your capacity to love.

Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.

Don't lose faith in God.

Don't grow old.

Just grow up.

An article from Sun-Star daily newspaper ...
By Melanie T. Lim, June 2, 1999

Being on Lost

Hurley You scored 72% kindness, 39% courage, 42% seedy past, and 64% secretiveness!

"For the record, my belt HAS dropped a notch. I'm a big guy. It's gonna be a while before you're going to want to give me a piggy back ride." Dude, you are Hurley. You are a kind soul with some terrible luck. While you're always lending a helping hand, you're not exactly the bravest guy on the island. What you do is even more important - keep people entertained. The only problem you've got is that whole jinxed numbers thing. You're so secretive, no one on the island even knows that you're a multimillionaire! Let it out, dude. There's no use trying to keep it all bottled up inside, man. Your polar opposite is: Jin. You are similar to: Claire and Sun.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 76% on kindness You scored higher than 36% on courage You scored higher than 66% on seedy past You scored higher than 79% on secretiveness

Link: The Which Lost Character Are You Test written by ack_attack on Ok Cupid

hmmm

man, these past few days have been hard. I have a bad attitude that keeps coming round. I get rid of it and than it comes back. I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Do you ever feel like the world owes you something. I keep giving it to God and sorting it out. It really frustrates me b/c I don't want this to be continually happening. I keep saying stuff and am like, "man, I shouldn't have said that. I am a jerk/stupid-head/mrr." I feel like a poo. I guess I'm just insecure right now. Could be tiredness. But this attitude is not positive or constructive.
It's almost like what Paul says when he talks about how what he wants to do he doesn't do and what he doesn't want to do, he does. I feel like I'm sinning all of the time, or am at least aware of it all the time. Than I apologize to ppl for being dumb and they are like, "oh, were you having a hard time?" so even though it's all internal and ppl can't see it, do I still apologize? what do I do? i want ppl to know so that they know what's going on in my life but I don't want to sound like I am complaining or whatever, y'know? man, sometimes it sucks being me, well, certain aspects of it anyways. Well, I got a fork stuck in my finger while I was putting away silverware. I made a makeshift bandaid out of masking tape and a paper towel. It's always a good cover. Yeah. I have alot of homework to do, that includes the finance study I am doing at the church I attend out here. It's gonna be good I think. I will learn how to properly budget and save and all that. So I am excited. My devo is just going through how to trust God and faithfulness right now. It changes every week (four week study). So I am enjoying that as well.
Do you ever feel like you are just waiting for God to do something in your life? I know that He is doing something right now, but just like you are living each day for Him, going through your trials, yet waiting for what He has planned for you? Does that make any sense? Well, on that note, I am falling asleep over here. Happy Sunday! Love and miss all of you!

down the winding path

Hey hey! My, my. I am a bit tired. Ready for bed, but wanting to watch a movie...eh, not sure what to do. I have to get up around 5am tomorrow, so the best thing to do would be to go straight to bed. But, I may be undisciplined tonight. Maybe. Things here are going well. I washed alot of dished tonight. Pray for my dad, he's been out of work for about 2 months now. He's getting a bit flustered I think. Two of my sisters and my mom recently broke up with their boyfriends and Laureen is having a bit of a rough time in Cali. So, here I am. Washing dishes, scrubbing carpets, and baking cookies. Only the Lord knows, eh?
We went on a staff retreat to Colorado Monday through Wednesday. It was good. I saw some elk, went running, visited a camp, climbed up a hill (little did we know we weren't supposed to...=0), and did a few other things. I got to make the pastries for breakfasts and that was fun and educational. Got back and started work right away. Had to get a half day in. Today is more than happy to be a "full" day. Anything 8+ hours. Man, I have alot of blisters on my hands. Mrr.
Wow. I feel boring. It's as if the life is gone from me almost. I really enjoy being here, but I feel so stagnate and mrrmrr. I don't know. I need to read more Bible. I read Proverbs 22 this morning. It was so good. I just wanted to read more and more. I am excited about my new devo study, but I don't know if I am going to get "the most" out of it. It wants you to listen to certain songs and read certain material along with your Bible reading and such. But I don't have the cd. I am thinking of just going on SoundandSpirit and listening to it there...may be worth it. I want to get the most out of it.
Finally brought my bass in to get fixed. Ran quite a few errands that day. Whew! Anywho.Colorado was beautiful. I saw the sun rise over the mountains Wednesday morning when I went out on my run. I just looked at them and thought, "these can't be real." It's craziness. It was so beautiful. the weather during the day was perfect, a bit chilly at night, but wonderful. The town was small, yet charming and touristy, which I wasn't particularly fond of, but it was cute. The camp I went to left me in awe. It was the YMCA of the Rockies and it has like 117 (?) cabins and 11 hotel-style buildings and a very large kitchen. Apparently they are so popular that they have to turn ppl away! I'm glad we're not that big. But I do love the culture there. They have ppl from Sweden, Mexico, Italy, wherever! It was pretty neat. I loved being immersed and relaxing in something that I could learn from. I love learning. God is so good to me. I just pray everyday to be more like His Son and to learn from my mistakes and to just be the best I can through Him. Cause I'm pretty horrid most of the time if left on my own. I miss you guys. I love being here though and look forward to what God has in store for me! I know it's going to be something great.

Question: now off the serious-seriousness. I was thinking about this and was wondering what you thought or know of this word: Pursue.
One young lady here is courting a gentleman and the ladies in our vehicle (on the way up to CO) asked what he was doing to pursue her. Which got me wondering, what does it mean to pursue someone? What does that look like? Is it different if a guy is pursuing a girl than when a girl is pursuing a guy? Or is it the same mannerisms/actions just reversed roles?
I've seen some pretty sticky situations when the girl pursues the guy, but can't quite get a strong pic of what either looks like. so let me know, I'd be interested to find out what y'all think about it.

yeah...life is grand...?

Well, I am still at "work". I don't know what to call this place...I love it and it seemingly is my prison. I have been here since 6am...I want to go home. I am waiting for sticky buns to cool...that almost sounds derogitory (sp?), eh? Anyway, I am tired and my "boss" (he doesn't like me to call him that)...said that I looked tired. So I looked in the mirror, and I look tired. I have quite a few new poems to put on my other blogsite. I forgot to bring them...maybe subconsciously I didn't want to bring them, maybe I knew there really wouldn't be time.
Anyhow, we leave for Colorado (Ensenada..?) at 10am. I made them breakfast. Hopefully they like it cause that's why I am still here, otherwise I would have left at 4pm. That would have been nice, but that's okay. I liked baking and working my vocal chords. I bought the Phantom of the Opera cd, the new one, and oh, I really like it. I can't sing as high as Ms. Rossum, but I can hold my own...tomorrow I will have no voice for saying that. I do find that my voice is best when I am singing to the Lord. I know that sounds corny, but it's true. I don't mind.
I finished up my back bedroom, it's a study/hang-out/music room. I like it. It makes me happy. I like the peeps I work with. All the full-time staff are pretty cool and the retirees as well. I ate over at one of the retirees house's (trailor) this last week and my "boss" is going to have me and the other two ppl my age (Angela and Toby) come over on Monday nights for suppers- yay, no cooking! That is exciting.
School is good. I am thoroughly enjoying the classes and the teachers are pretty cool. Well. I am tired, so I going to go wrap the cinn. buns and scoot. Mrr.

update on the nebraska-husker wannabe

Hey y'all! I am doing well! My birthday was on Monday, my "boss's" family fed me pie and ice cream. I am currently done working and I have a tender hand from vacuuming the whole ground floor, well almost all of it. I also am excited about a new duster I bought from Wal-Mart. It has an extendable handle and it's bright blue! So, that's my exciting news...more to come later, eh? Miss you all! Leave me an update! Pray for the camp, that there will be unity and for me, cause I suck and I'm having trouble with it.

mrr.

well. I posted and it's gone now. That's a bummer.
Things are good. I have bugs and mice friends in my trailor. I am being brave only b/c of Christ. Something smelly is under my trailor. Bribery time for the maintenence staff...mrrmrr!
Continue to pray for summer staff. Those going off to college, this will make or break their faith.
Continue on with Christ.

Challenge: go to a mall and sit for 30 min. Imagine each person carrying a sign that says: "I am going to hell." It sounds easy, sort of. It sounds bizarre. Do it. It can change your evangelism.

things are tough...

...at Maranatha, things are good with me, God is working, things are tough. Pray for the staff.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

I am a rejected crayon...who'da thunk it?

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

exciting

Well, plans are coming along smashingly. Just alittle frazzled b/c of the time shortage...things are so up in the air w/some of my plans, just b/c of other ppl though. Not-so-good things are happening to them, which directly affects me...
On a happier note, Laureen and I got up this morning and after she made brkfst, we did our devos and stuff. I just have to say that this book, Lies Women Believe, is awesome. We just finished the chapter on priorities (i have to work in 10min...mrr!) and it was awesome. It just explained our culture and how it affects families. I almost couldn't read, I wanted to cry. I don't understand why mothers compromise their families for themselves. I just couldn't do that. But yeah, we're only halfway through this devo book, and I am looking forward to the rest of it. God is blessing me so! Miss y'all!

Gotta keep singing.

So, I bought the MercyMe cd, "Undone." It's really cool. I love the variety on it and yet the way it continues to reflect a love and a passion for God. I have never heard these guys compromise their sound or thier music. Very refreshing. But I was listening to thier song, "Keep Singing" and it, well here are the lyrics:
Another rainy day/ I can't recall having sunshine on my face/ All I feel is pain/ All I wanna do is walk out of this place/ But when I am stuck, I can't move/ When I don't know what I should do/ When I wonder if I'll ever make it through//But I gotta keep singing/ I gotta keep praising Your Name/ You're the one that's keeping my heart beating/I gotta keep singing/I gotta keep praising Your Name/That's the only way That I'll find healing/Can I climb up in Your lap/I don't wanna leave/Jesus sing over me/I gotta keep singing//Oh You're everything I need/I gotta keep singing

Man, the more I hear this cd, the more I just love it. I love MercyMe....here's another one that's really good, "Where You Lead Me."
What is life/A thousand roads a thousand ways/and why am I/so afraid to move/I crossed the line/I'm stepping out so come what may/I'll give it all/Cause I'm drawn to You/As long as my heart is beating//Where You lead me, I will follow/Where You lead me, I'll give my life away/Where You lead me, I will follow/Forever and a day//I can't deny/ Your very presence is my life/And why would I/ever turn away/cause deep inside/I know that I can not rely/on anything/less than faith/as long as my heart is beating/this is all I'm dreaming of/to live completely in Your love.

I think that it's interesting that I can relate to all these songs, at this point in my life right now. I have sorrow and pain that I'm dealing with. I am also devoting my life to God and following Him wherever He may lead, no matter the cost, yet I am also praising Him and letting His love fill my soul. I just think it is amazing how many different emotions one can feel or how many different experiences can be happening all at once. Y'know? Maybe none of this makes sense. It's just what's on my heart right now. Buy this cd. It's awesome.

(this cd is sooooo good. Go get it! It's drenched in love for Jesus!)

Whoa doggy!

Hey y'all! Random thoughts for tonight:
Went to the wedding this last weekend at Maranatha. It was awesome! My friends Tim and Abby got married, whom I know from both camp and Briercrest. It was great to see them tie the knot and give such an amazing testimony to everyone there. She looked just gorgeous! I almost cried and I kept hitting my friend Kacy on the shoulder and saying, "They're getting married!" afterwards she kept saying, "they're married." She didn't hit me, but the effect was the same I think!
Laureen came with me to camp and everyone loved her! We fooled a few ppl who didn't know I was a twin and even though the weekend went by quickly, at the end of it, it felt as if she had been there forever. She mingled and joked with the best of them and even gave a few backrubs! It was great. I love her so much! God just blessed her by having her there also and everyone was like, "now next time Crystal comes in you have to come with her!" or "you'd better bring Laureen back with you next time you come by!" So that was awesome! Yeah!
We grew alot, even just this last weekend and we definitely grew closer! Yeah non-air-conditioned car-bonding! It was good times and i would do it again!
But, on another note, seeing Tim and Abby get married, seeing the way that Linnea and Jeremy are handling their first month of marriage and just summer experiences have made me convinced that, if you have the right person, marriage can be such a blessing and totally worth it. I wasn't convinced before. My family is huge on divorce and short relationships (extended family, mom and dad, and sisters' relationships). But yeah. God is really changing my heart and even though I rejoice(d) with those who are making the plans (yay for Jael and Zak!!!) and those who got married, I just see the joy and God alive in their relationships and it makes my soul very happy. So, invite God into your relationships please and allow Him to blow the sails of your loveship in His direction! ah, I do love imagery....ships on the sea of life, mrrmrrmrr!
Umm...Subway is good. I worked with Jamie tonight and her friend yesterday. Shared the gospel with the friend and Jamie knows it. I just wonder sometimes what keeps ppl from getting on the Jesus Train! Man it's the best train ride ever. It's a narrow path, but it's completely worth the fare. yeah....I love Jesus lots.
I like sleep too...I'd best get going. peace out my friends. Write me fun notes! I'll keep you up to date soon, eh?
P.s. Cleaning is going AMAZING! God is just so good and I think that I can totally fit all of my stuff into two car loads! Awesome! Oh yeah! Go Jesus! Go Jesus!