life is not real

Do you ever feel as if life does not exist. I walk around and look at my surroundings, the moon, the trees, life in general, or people and wonder if it is all really here. As if every day I am walking through a dream. It's quite disturbing, I must say. I once told someone I was having these experiences quite often. She told me that usually when someone goes through this behavior they are trying to get away from something. So I ask myself, what am I trying to get away from? You know what, I don't know. Perhaps I am dissatisfied with my present situation, however, I cannot imagine another situation that I might be content in. I know that this is where God wants me and perhaps the duration here will be a little longer than anticipated. I am stubborn enough and most determined to stick it through and find out why God has placed me here, and during this time. It seems most inconvenient. Our camp is going through some very big financial problems, mostly debt it seems. My gift has been raised and I feel as if 1) I am undeserving and 2)stealing from the camp. Not stealing in the sense that I have ill-gotten gain, but that they need it more than I. I suppose when I came here that I was proud that I would be so inexpensive to keep around. Having a "pay" raise makes that alittle more difficult to realize. It just pains me to see so many people affected by one person (who by most would be the one to blame, this person is no longer employed here, they were not "let go"). I just want to go back a few months ago and fix it. Make it so the debt could have never occurred. There were so many things that could have been done to make sure that this never happened. But there was miscommunication and poor-planning. I feel so helpless. I know that I am doing almost all that I can to make sure that I am not overspending or anything, at least with what one would call the "camp's" money. I have to admit, sometimes I am frivilous with mine, which really isn't mine, it's Gods. If I were to be completely truthful, I feel as if my whole life is out of control. My homework is weeks behind and when I am motivated to do it, I can't. When I finally can, I am too tired. It is as if there is so much going on, yet I look and I see nothing. It's weird. I know that God is close, yet He feels so far away. It's interesting that I say that, because one of my other friends is going through the same thing. She feels as if she is a boat floating in the middle of an empty ocean. I still love God, I am still pursuing Him, reading His Word, but yet, here I am, in the middle of an empty ocean crying out to God, and He's asking me, "Why did you move?" I guess I just have to figure out where I am. These times are welcome though, because I know that only good will come out of it if I keep my eyes focused above, even though the duration of them is of difficulty. I know that God is in control, but perhaps I don't trust Him.
There is something inside of me that is bursting forth, I don't know what it is, but I am trying to suppress it. I am so confused and lost, yet I have some sort of a focus. There was a time when life felt real. I guess I have what you would call "matrix-syndrome". I see fault in so many, yet I realize they are my own. Change comes with little easiness. I miss my friends up at Briercrest. I miss being home. I love the weather here and the place. It is peaceful when I decide to be as well. Is it possible to be content with your work and the place you are at, yet still be unsatisfied?
Well, that was a bagful. I shall take leave.

maybe.

Sometimes I wonder why once you think or feel that things are getting easier, they get worse. Not worse in a bad way, but just more difficult. I am frustrated and I feel like crying. I hate this. It's one of those things that you just wish would go away and than you don't. I don't know. Life seems this way. God, I need you. Maybe I'm just tired or did too much today. That could be it to. Maybe I know that this weekend, I have time off, so I can rest and catch up on homework. Maybe my hands are so dry that I'm just...yeah. Maybe. Mrr.

the day is done

man, today was kind of rough. I am falling asleep over here. i feel sort of dumb, i talked about someone today, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either, not uplifting, so it counts as gossip and that ticks me off. i hate doing that. it's so not what God wants for me nor myself. I am frustrated, about a few other things as well, but we won't get into that, not a sharing thing, y'know. not bad, but not sharable yet, unless you're part of a select few...hmmm...
anyhow, so i am invited to go to a house and listen to a missionary guy and stuff and hear him and his wife talk about thier stuff, but i am so tired, i just want to go home, but it's only 2 hours. i guess if i really wanted to go, i would be leaving, b/c it starts in ten minutes. hmm...i guess i don't really want to go. i am trying to decide if i should walk home or drive. i have to stop by the office and hand in time sheets and all that. do you ever feel like you are doing everything, and than sometimes feel like you're doing nothing. i know that i am pretty replaceable, but sometimes you feel just so, valuable, you know? not that i'm not valuble, but i am replaceable. hmmm.. this could veer down the morbid path. anyhow, i burned my arm again today. mrr. no fun! i am trying to pay off my loan asap! i am taking a finance class and it's really keeping me motivated! whoohoo! but yeah, i best go. i am falling asleep over here! feeling guilty about not going though, mrr. why? b/c i'll let ppl down and i hate that. but, truthfully i don't think that they think that i'm letting them down. i realized yesterday that i am like Adam Sandler's friend in Wedding Singer, the one that is trying to be like Michael Jackson..."sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything's gonna be alright." i need to talk to Jesus.

disappointments

i was going to write about a friend. but why don't i just start with how that last post would have finished? ...so, why am i saying this about them when i should say, "perhaps, i am disappointed in myself. i do have alot to work on." not sure if that's exactly how i would've put it, but i'll deal, i guess. hmmm...i want to share, but not yet. not yet. we'll see what happens. pray for me, pray for my heart, pray for wisdom and guidance and diligence...i have alot of homework to do this weekend! i sure miss you all alot.

it'a all about respect...?

Hey y'all, I've got a question for you.

1. What does it mean to respect someone, friend, marital partner, parent, etc.?

2. What does that look like?

some lifetime inspiration...=)

Don't Grow Old
===============

Many people are afraid of growing old.
I'm afraid of growing old and boring.

Many people are afraid of growing old, alone.
I'm afraid of growing old, insane.

Many people are afraid of losing their looks.
I'm afraid of losing my dreams.

Many people are afraid of losing their youth.
I'm afraid of losing my soul.

When you're 15, 35 seems ancient.
When you're 35, 15 seems juvenile.

A turnaround in a split second - two decades zoom past and
before you know it, it's only a mile to the next millennium.

Don't fear age,
it's a right of person-hood.

Don't fear death- it's God's greatest jest.

Don't grow old - you don't have to.

Don't date because you're desperate.

Don't marry because you're miserable.

Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.

Don't separate because you think it's fashionable.

Don't drink because you have troubles.

Don't gamble because you think winning is inevitable.

Don't philander because you think you're irresistible.
Most likely, you're not.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat.
Don't lie.
Don't pretend.

Don't try to buy your way into the kingdom of God.

Don't dictate because you're smarter.

Don't demand because you're stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you're old enough and know
better.

Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.

Don't sell yourself, your family or your ideals.

Don't stagnate.
Don't regress.

Learn a new skill.

Find a new friend.

Start a new career.

Don't live in the past.

Time can't bring anything or anyone back.

Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.

Don't throw you life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking and you can't afford to have your
eggs harvested before the new millennium.

There's always a mad rush to something, somewhere - but victory
does not always belong to those who finish first.

Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid
for some of life's more hasty decisions.

You can't always go with the throng who could be wrong.

Sometimes, you have to be alone to be enlightened.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.

Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong
reasons.

To keep yourself warm, buy a jacket.
In the long run, it will be less complicated and less costly.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of
what you can be.

Simplify your life.
Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements - abusive friends, nasty habits
and dangerous liaisons.

Don't abandon your responsibilities, but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your
family.

Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you're not ready.

Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Fall in love - it's the greatest thing on earth.
But take care and remember, after the fall must come the rise.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.

Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you must even at society's scorn.

Write poetry. Love deeply. Walk barefoot. Hold hands.
Dance with wild abandon. Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.

You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except you.
It is true that life doesn't get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.

Don't be afraid.
Don't lose your capacity to love.

Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.

Don't lose faith in God.

Don't grow old.

Just grow up.

An article from Sun-Star daily newspaper ...
By Melanie T. Lim, June 2, 1999