whoohoo!

So, exciting news: I got an "A" on my psych paper on post-traumatic stress disorder! that was a 49/50 by the way and the only comment was that I needed a stronger thesis...so that's pretty good! I feel better about this class. I hope that I can at least raise my grade to a "B" by the end...let's see if I got "A's" on all my focal questions, one "D-" on a test, two "B+'s", an "A" on the paper....I have two focal questions left, one test, and the final, plus I can do an extra credit paper as well to "oomph" my grade up a bit...so chances are if I work hard enough I can get a "B"...does that sound about right to y'all...you probably don't want to hear all of this. But I am super thankful for it and for the sleep that I've been getting, but it seems as though the more sleep I get the more tired I am. I guess I should just get more sleep on the early side of 12am, eh?
But yeah, so I got something else figured out. My mom does this weird thing, she signs all of her cards "mommy". That's kinda weird. But I was chatting with my mom on the phone and I asked her a question and she goes, "Wait, I'm the ADULT here..." So that's it, I thought. I'm not an adult in her eyes. I talked to Laureen and she expanded on my thought. Our parents got divorced when we were twelve. Neither of them really paid much attention to us after that, so it would only make sense that we aren't adults in her eyes. She still thinks we're 12. She may not realize it, but why else would a mother of a 28, 26, 24, and 2-22yr old daughters still sign things "mommy"? She never saw us grow up. She went to the concerts and the graduations and all that, but she was never really involved in all those things mothers are normally involved with in their kids' lives as they grow up. Especially daughters. There's a bond that forms. We don't have that bond. We're friends, but I never considered her my mother. I guess it could also be the way that her mother treated/treats her, but there it is. That's not really something that I'm having a problem with, but I def wanted to know the reason why, y'know? Anywho, God is being really good to me and teaching me alot as I go about each day. I am trying to get more sleep, my eating habits need to be more consistent and better, and organization in the home is key. So, I am def carrying over alot of the good habits I accrued when I was at home for the summer.
I'm going to be alright. But referring to the last post, I suppose one question was weighing on my mind, is it alright to need someone?
I know that it is. God made us to need one another and that is an amazing thing to share. But I almost need more of a reason. I also suppose that that seems a bit needy....eh? eh? =) But y'know? I guess it reminds me of numerous times when I would tell my parents that I needed them (one time I needed comfort from my dad...I threw up on the bus and he really didn't care...I guess I expected him to do what a mother would normally do. But she wasn't there, she was hard to get ahold of, and I usually came home to an empty nest...I was an empty-nester at a very early age...) and they were fairly unresponsive, or like said before, passed us off to someone else. I remember crying in front of my dad when he would yell at me for something, usually for making him upset, and he would ask me why I was crying. I didn't know why. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loved me and that everything was going to be alright. He never did though. That kind of makes me sad. I needed him, but he didn't know how to show me he loved me. He only knew anger. That makes me sad because I know his childhood wasn't the greatest either, and that makes me love him even more. i hope that that is enough, but deep down I know it won't be.
Maybe my pain isn't just for me, it's for my family. I know what they're going through and it's lonely and crazy. I think we all want to be a family, but we don't know how. I grieve for my past and my parents' pasts because I know that they regret alot of choices they've made. I am thankful that God has given me but one regret. One that will be fixed before long. I love God and the family that He's given me. I am thankful for my past because I know that God will use it. There is a point to pain and a point to heartache. We'll just have to wait and see how He uses it. I am focused on Him and what He wants from me and I will pursue that with all that I am. I know that that is enough and that's enough.
All my love.

#1 continued...

So, pondering is something I have been doing alot of and I was analyzing that "self-discovery" post. I don't think I'm even afraid of needing someone. I want to need someone. But when I do, and there's near to an open expression for that need, than I usually back down. I'm working on it. But that's not really a fear of needing someone, at least I don't think so. So what is it then? Well, this is what I came up with:
I'm afraid of needing someone who doesn't want me to need them.
There it is. I think that's the last bit of it. Can it go any deeper?
For most of you who know me, you know that I overanalyze things. So this is my overanalyzation...
When I need something, first I try to figure out if I really need it, sometimes I'll talk to God about it. If it's really important we do alot of talking. But I internalize the need and put myself in the scenario and try to figure out what their response will be (which is probably impossible). Good responses and bad ones and when I am convinced I will get a negative reaction, than I leave it alone. I suppress the need, thought, etc. and convince myself that because they will ultimately reject me, I don't need it.
So I guess that would explain why I don't like rejection.
I've also been told that I'm cynical about marriage. I find this surprising b/c I really want to get married. But an outward source is usually pretty good for telling someone things they don't see or understand, etc.
So, I thought about this as well. Perhaps a lack of good role models? Everyone on my dad's side has been divorced at least once. My mom's side has a bunch of unstable relationships, very little communication and lots of gossip. All of my older sisters have been in numerous unhealthy relationships and one of them is choosing to stick with the current guy.
However, church has def blessed me with a number of couples with healthy relationships and that is amazing. God's gift to me. My mentality is to shift to the unhealthy relationships that I've seen and than I stereotype that...as far as putting myself in that category as well, thinking that that is also going to happen to me. Not necessarily divorce but the unhealthy relationship. I don't know if I fully understood all of this til now, but I guess now, what do I do with it. I am def praying hard to God. I am so desperate for Him to show me what He wants to show me. I was reading my last post and it sounds like I'm just focusing on me and i do, alot. That's something I also need to work on. But with all of this info., i suppose the first thing to do is to change my mentality. Shift it to the good. Try to remember the church and not the family, in regards to healthy relationships. I guess I have a talent for focusing on the negative, although I suppose that can be seen as a curse too...hmmm....

food for thought

Perhaps these Christian desires has slipped away from God's desires? Maybe we've failed in teaching what it means to bear with one another in love, what it means to stick with a choice even when it doesn't pan out for us?

sorry this is underlined...hmmm...call me blogger incompetent, eh?
anywho...food for thought. what are you desiring that isn't from God? are you bearing with one another in love? this is so important. i know i love my friends because they don't shun me for being stupid sometimes and will listen and entertain me. i love my friends and knowing that they are there, waiting for me, loving me, and praying for me makes all the difference. certainly a God-send.

notice

just so you know, my posts aren't going up right away, there may be a post hiding somewhere, so just go to the month and click on it and usually the current post will be there....weird...

making old mistakes

yeah, so i am a poo. i said it. i'm a poo. anyhow, i have paper due in about 6 minutes. it's done, just biding my time till i can hand it in, but yeah. i stayed up until 6:10am this morning finishing it, that's what i get for irresponsibility with my time, eh? oh well. live and learn, unfortunately i don't think i'm learning a whole lot right now. just being stupid. man, this is alot to undertake. i know God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle, and i can see why He really hasn't given me anymore to handle, i'm not handling what i have very well. truth be told, i've been thinking about this, i love school because i love to learn and i love homework...weird, huh? but sometimes i lose why i am going to school. one of my goals is to get a degree and head off to culinary school, but sometimes...truth be told (again) i just want to get married and have a bunch of kids....sounds ridiculous i know. but i pray to God to show me what He wants me to do with this college education, cause i sure don't know what to do with it. say i open a restaurant or go overseas, God show me what way i can impact the world, at least my surroundings, for His glory and His Plan. Cause my miniscule thinking is just that, miniscule. if He doesn't give me a vision, than i sure don't have a specific one in mind. i will float around and have no real focus. at least now i have a focus, even though i'm not sure what kind of focus that is....God bless, eh?!

miss you all. keep in touch!

Dalton...i haven't heard from you in awhile! Dez....how's your bf? Jo...how's the heart?

self discovery #1

someone once, well, a number a times actually, asked me if i was afraid of commitment.
it took me awhile to figure this one out. i know that i'm not afraid of commitment, if anything i overcommit. so, after much reflection i have come to the conclusion that i am not afraid of commitment. but i am afraid of something deeper, want to know what it is? well i'll tell you.
i am afraid of needing someone. i'm afraid they will leave me and they won't want me anymore.
i am afraid of rejection. trust me, it's happened alot.


there's obviously more to it than that. past experience has led me into this independence and fear, regarding my parents divorce and such. that and everytime i have expressed a need (which is difficult enough, b/c you have to voluntarily put yourself in this vulnerable state to see if someone will answer it or push you away), mostly emotional or personal support, etc. i have been ignored and pushed aside, or passed on to someone else to try and take care of it. i think this has to do more with my experiences of growing up with my dad who didn't pay much attention, if any, to our emotional state. he took in facts and analyzed them. not taking into consideration our feelings (not that all were justified) but his own circumstances instead. i don't want to sound whiney. i hope that i don't. i am making public knowledge of why i do and think some of the things that i do and think, or don't, perhaps. yeah.


this sort of ties into that poem i wrote awhile ago on my poetry blog; entitled "a little girl".
i also wrote one called "arriving home". i wrote that one for what i want to be, also like a backdrop for the P31 woman, y'know? i don't know. both i consider well-written and consider them a pair. yeah.

distractions

This was part of a post by my good friend Daltonator about how a Starbuck's cup left up at the front of the church during a Sunday service became a distraction from worshipping God:

"Actually, think also to New Testament times, when people went to the temple to give sacrifices. Can you hear that? Those goats whose cry is stikingly similar to that of a small child? Uh-oh. Can you hear the ram? The sheep? However did THEY worship God in such a loud setting? I don't know, but they did.
If there is too much light, then people can't be pensive, if the song is too short, then nobody can really get 'into it', blah-blah.
Being ushered into the presence of God cannot be staged. Its a true moment that occurs when God meets with you in a lasting way. Its happened to me before.
Chances are that there will never be another coffee cup on stage at Cobourg (the programming team wouldn't allow it). But if the little things hinder us from giving our all to our Maker, maybe your God is little too."
Good stuff, good stuff.

things here are going pretty well. I am in the office getting ready to go and i think just this past week and a half, 3 or 4 of my friends are engaged to be married. Craziness i tell yoU!
but, things are going well. I got quite a bit of work done and called my dad today, so that was good. my mom and i are getting closer, so that's good. I am hoping to go home for Christmas with Laureen and Kacy and so that will be quite a bit cheaper.
i am still really tired and was slightly irritated today...miscommunication, but i did pretty well to contain myself and get over it.
sometimes i think that i am just wasting space over here. i just want to make sure that i am doing all that i need to do and all that needs to get done. so hopefully they don't regret hiring me, which i don't think they do. so i'm mostly just being stupid.
i am in process of making support letters for my 1.4 year experience of being a full-time missionary here and hopefully can raise enough so that i don't have to get paid by the camp...financially that would be WAY better for the camp, so that's the goal anyhow.
ummm....i took 1.7 hours to fill out a survey..whoo! for those of you who received it, good luck!
it was fun though, i think those are pretty much the only "forwards" that i enjoy receiving and passing on. i do enjoy them immensely.
i wrote a few more poems.
i am way behind in school. but prayerfully will get lots done this weekend.
i am still feeling pretty disconnected from life, but sleep will hopefully help me out.
i think i am going to talk to the worship leader about joining the choir-ppl have to try-out to sing in it...that's different for a church choir. for me anyway.
welp, that's about it.
keep me in your prayer: i have a cold, sleep, homework, being diligent and to have better time-managment, an unspoken, and for family salvation (dad and 3 sisters).

love and miss you all.
keep with Christ.

these times and others

"If you want something you've never had. You have to do something you've never done."

so. I have had a cold for about a week now. Mrr. no fun, but makes me appreciate being well and right now I feel like that day will never come again. But that's the cynic in me. So, things are seemingly more unreal than before. At night it is pretty bad still. right now even. But you've heard all this before. Work is good. Wasn't planning on working today, but that's alright. My teacher rescheduled my redo test thing and I called to say that I wouldn't be at Supper's 8 which is something the church here does. Although, my Supper's 8 is actually a Supper's 9. There's nine of us, not including one lady's baby. =) anywho. I don't know. I think and worry too much. Pray for that. my worrying. The guy I work with (Tobias) keeps telling me to relax. He sure keeps me on my toes and keeps me quite diverted as well. So it's a fun work environment. My "boss" Scot is pretty fun too. Always keeping me in line and is like a surrogate dad. He is trying to make sure that I take care of myself, but I'm not doing too too good. We had a group of 250 high school kids plus staff here this last weekend...can you say "no sleep". My cold keeps me at the edge of real sleep. I don't know what that is anymore. Sleep. Makes me think back to my high school days when I didn't know what sleep was than, either. But it was great and I wouldn't trade those days for anything. I wouldn't trade these ones either.
My hands are getting dry again which is pooey. They only get gross in the winter, but last winter in Saskatchewan (of all places) my hands were great, no dry skin at all. I have selective extremely dry skin...whatever that's called, I don't even want to attempt to spell it. Mrr!
I miss you all. I need more hugs. I initiate almost all of them. I want someone to run up to me and just give me the longest, biggest hug ever. I need one of those. yeah. Hmm....makes me happy just thinking about it.
Tomorrow I have class and don't want to go. Not complaining, I love school, but right now I am so tired I feel like crying. I'm so confused, my brain hurts and I just want to feel like things are real again. I don't even remember what that's like. Only two more weeks. that sounds terrible, but it's true. I have alot to do in two weeks.
God is being so good to me though. He hasn't struck me down dead yet, so it's always a good day. I am so sinful and He still loves me. He still loves me. Thank you God! I would definitely be dead without Him. That's awesome and great and wonderful. I am so blessed. I really am. The people here rock and I keep getting presents and fun stuff and they don't mind that I hug them every time I see them. So it's all good. Love you guys.

P.s. I put up some new poetry in case y'all want to check it out. hopefully I'll get my old poetry up sometime. I wrote it in high school and descending so...I like it. It's fun.

mrr mrr mrr mrr mrr!

"Sooner or later, you are going to learn, just as I did, that there is a difference between KNOWING the path and WALKING the path." - Morpheus

So, I love Jamie Cullum....just so you know. He's a Brit crooner. So good. I can't stand it. He's got a beautiful voice.
Anywho, I have a cold. I am getting better. The sides of my throat are still pretty sore and my nose acts up about every 10-20 minutes. Mrr. But that's okay. I will be well soon. It really makes you appreciate the time you aren't sick, eh?
The path to self-discovery is a long one. I am trying to be comfortable with who I am and not try too hard to be something I am not. But it's kind of fun, opening up.
I find that I am very inquisitive and God has given me the gift of asking random questions all the time. It's quite fun. I am pretty creative and I love to read and bake.
God is really working on me about self-discipline as well. Mind, body and soul. It's pretty difficult though, eh? My mentor Jean (who is a MBC staff member as well) and I agreed that it is pretty much inherited from everybody. Mayhaps it's an airborne disease, you think? Like that Bird Flu thing...that's not airborne yet though, but it could be. If it does become so, stay indoors, it's not safe outside! I'm serious! See this face?! Well...maybe you wouldn't...Pancakes are good! No pancakes this weekend though...=( sad face )=
Pray for me...I have 3.5 invitations for Thanksgiving dinner...don't want to make the wrong choice...who's got the best pumpkin pie y'know? mrr!

No, but seriously...I would like direction...this is a decision and it goes to the Lord. Sounds almost ridiculous now that I've asked for prayer about it.
welp! See you later!