it took me awhile to figure this one out. i know that i'm not afraid of commitment, if anything i overcommit. so, after much reflection i have come to the conclusion that i am not afraid of commitment. but i am afraid of something deeper, want to know what it is? well i'll tell you.
i am afraid of needing someone.
i am afraid of rejection. trust me, it's happened alot.
there's obviously more to it than that. past experience has led me into this independence and fear, regarding my parents divorce and such. that and everytime i have expressed a need (which is difficult enough, b/c you have to voluntarily put yourself in this vulnerable state to see if someone will answer it or push you away), mostly emotional or personal support, etc. i have been ignored and pushed aside, or passed on to someone else to try and take care of it. i think this has to do more with my experiences of growing up with my dad who didn't pay much attention, if any, to our emotional state. he took in facts and analyzed them. not taking into consideration our feelings (not that all were justified) but his own circumstances instead. i don't want to sound whiney. i hope that i don't. i am making public knowledge of why i do and think some of the things that i do and think, or don't, perhaps. yeah.
this sort of ties into that poem i wrote awhile ago on my poetry blog; entitled "a little girl".
i also wrote one called "arriving home". i wrote that one for what i want to be, also like a backdrop for the P31 woman, y'know? i don't know. both i consider well-written and consider them a pair. yeah.
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