whoohoo!

So, exciting news: I got an "A" on my psych paper on post-traumatic stress disorder! that was a 49/50 by the way and the only comment was that I needed a stronger thesis...so that's pretty good! I feel better about this class. I hope that I can at least raise my grade to a "B" by the end...let's see if I got "A's" on all my focal questions, one "D-" on a test, two "B+'s", an "A" on the paper....I have two focal questions left, one test, and the final, plus I can do an extra credit paper as well to "oomph" my grade up a bit...so chances are if I work hard enough I can get a "B"...does that sound about right to y'all...you probably don't want to hear all of this. But I am super thankful for it and for the sleep that I've been getting, but it seems as though the more sleep I get the more tired I am. I guess I should just get more sleep on the early side of 12am, eh?
But yeah, so I got something else figured out. My mom does this weird thing, she signs all of her cards "mommy". That's kinda weird. But I was chatting with my mom on the phone and I asked her a question and she goes, "Wait, I'm the ADULT here..." So that's it, I thought. I'm not an adult in her eyes. I talked to Laureen and she expanded on my thought. Our parents got divorced when we were twelve. Neither of them really paid much attention to us after that, so it would only make sense that we aren't adults in her eyes. She still thinks we're 12. She may not realize it, but why else would a mother of a 28, 26, 24, and 2-22yr old daughters still sign things "mommy"? She never saw us grow up. She went to the concerts and the graduations and all that, but she was never really involved in all those things mothers are normally involved with in their kids' lives as they grow up. Especially daughters. There's a bond that forms. We don't have that bond. We're friends, but I never considered her my mother. I guess it could also be the way that her mother treated/treats her, but there it is. That's not really something that I'm having a problem with, but I def wanted to know the reason why, y'know? Anywho, God is being really good to me and teaching me alot as I go about each day. I am trying to get more sleep, my eating habits need to be more consistent and better, and organization in the home is key. So, I am def carrying over alot of the good habits I accrued when I was at home for the summer.
I'm going to be alright. But referring to the last post, I suppose one question was weighing on my mind, is it alright to need someone?
I know that it is. God made us to need one another and that is an amazing thing to share. But I almost need more of a reason. I also suppose that that seems a bit needy....eh? eh? =) But y'know? I guess it reminds me of numerous times when I would tell my parents that I needed them (one time I needed comfort from my dad...I threw up on the bus and he really didn't care...I guess I expected him to do what a mother would normally do. But she wasn't there, she was hard to get ahold of, and I usually came home to an empty nest...I was an empty-nester at a very early age...) and they were fairly unresponsive, or like said before, passed us off to someone else. I remember crying in front of my dad when he would yell at me for something, usually for making him upset, and he would ask me why I was crying. I didn't know why. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loved me and that everything was going to be alright. He never did though. That kind of makes me sad. I needed him, but he didn't know how to show me he loved me. He only knew anger. That makes me sad because I know his childhood wasn't the greatest either, and that makes me love him even more. i hope that that is enough, but deep down I know it won't be.
Maybe my pain isn't just for me, it's for my family. I know what they're going through and it's lonely and crazy. I think we all want to be a family, but we don't know how. I grieve for my past and my parents' pasts because I know that they regret alot of choices they've made. I am thankful that God has given me but one regret. One that will be fixed before long. I love God and the family that He's given me. I am thankful for my past because I know that God will use it. There is a point to pain and a point to heartache. We'll just have to wait and see how He uses it. I am focused on Him and what He wants from me and I will pursue that with all that I am. I know that that is enough and that's enough.
All my love.