perhaps it's petty...

You know those times when you just get so disappointed you feel like someone ripped out your heart and made you eat it? That sounds really gross, but that's kinda how I feel right now. This is going to sound nuts to all of you, but I had tried out for the musical at church and I got the part of the Storyteller! I was so excited and jumped around and thought, "Man, what did I get myself in to?" I just couldn't believe it. I got picked! It was so great. I realized though that I was leaving for Mexico and would miss like, four or five of the practices, one being a dress rehearsal. Not good. So I called the music pastor and explained and he told me to come in prepared and than he and his assistant would decide what the best thing to do would be. I went, it went awesome! I was so prepared, not as prepared as I could have been, but I spent hours practicing and tried to get every detail up to par for the "second audition." It went very well. They told me they'd call me today and I left with a headache and just worried about it. I was trying my best to give it to God and leave it at His feet, but it was so difficult, it has been an ongoing process. I talked to Michael last night and he was saying how he was worried about the fall and than finally, he just let it go and let God take care of it. Whatever's supposed to happen will. So, with that in mind, I went inside and read an Archie comic and munced on my fav, Cheez'its. I'd been "working" all day. I needed a break. Than to bed. Woke up this morning pretty 'g (good). Had an amazing morning and got a lot of my stuff done at work, still stuff to do...=) Anywho...I came to terms that it wasn't gonna happen. Logically, it just didn't come out right. I knew it, but I clung to the hope that I would stay put, with a deathgrip...so the pastor called and told me that he gave my part to someone else, but would like me to do a solo and a trio part instead. So, he gave me a sort of compensation part. I am truly grateful. I know this must seem trivial to you all, but I feel so ridiculously hurt. It's like knowing reality and being prepared for it, but you'll never be fully prepared. The sitch stinks real bad, worse than a run-over skunk. But I know that God has a part in it and that He is working through it. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that He's trying to teach me. Though I have the capabilities to do all that was planned, I don't have the time. What does that mean? In my life right now? Perhaps it's God saying, "You can't have all that you want right now." He only gives us what we can handle right? I guess I couldn't handle it. God gave it to someone else who could, but it's not like that scenario that says, "If you pass up an opportunity, someone else will take it." I took hold of the opportunity, and it passed me up. What does that mean? Not all opportunities are meant to be, though they may be grasped and held on to, sometimes, for your own health, it's better to let go because if you do, someone else will benefit. I sort of feel like I shared an opportunity. Like I was so excited to get it, yet I couldn't so now someone else will get the joy of this opportunity. Perhaps their family is all here and they can partake in the joy with her alot better than my family can. I know that God is in control and that He is loving me and caring for me in every way possible, and this is one of those ways...sometimes it just takes time for the heart to catch up with the mind though, eh?
Daddy knows best.

passing time...

Currently Reading Pride and Prejudice (Signet Classic) By Jane Austen

I am currently reading Pride and Prejudice and find it of the most delightful nature. It rocks my brain, the language is of course, very old-fashioned and the sentence structure of a presently wanting nature, only for the fact that it takes mind power to understand it and a willingness to think, unlike watching a tv show or something, y'know? I'm currently munching on some banana bread, it's really yummy, though slightly on the burnt side. No worries, though. I like it. I got past some of the most difficult of my homework, the reading of a chapter in my speech book....really interesting material, don't want to pass it up, but reading for me is a lot of work, unless I am reading a leisure book, than I don't consider it work, well, unless it's P&P. I am awaiting a decision and won't give more details til the final decision comes out, only b/c it will take awhile and no use in writing things twice, I'm all about efficiency.
Should get to work, or do something with my PSI, which I hope to get out by Saturday...hope is the key word, lots of action is implied however...we'll see, not too much to do, just type out the letter and stamp envelopes, finish addresses and reply envelopes and pray hardcore some more over these bad boys. God will provide in His own special, amazing, on-time way.
Still haven't gone bowling yet...maybe in a couple of weeks when I get back from Mexico, eh?

are ya hungry?...

A man may study because his brain is hungry for knowledge, even Bible knowledge. But he prays because his soul is hungry for God.


-Leonard Ravenhill


My soul is so hungry. Is yours?

Jesus wept...

So, today was pretty good. I got up an spent some time with Jesus. and besides the fact that I should be in bed right now....so many plans and so little time....today has been good but rough. Emotionally I think I am breaking down. I went to church and left directly to my car where I started to cry immediately. I feel grieved and sad, yet not sure why, but knowing why. If that makes any sense. I put on Kutless "Strong Tower" and tried to sing through my tears. It's funny how your voice sounds when you cry. This has been a really rough week. I'm not sure how to explain it, but even being around non-Christians is so draining, or ppl who claim to know Christ, yet aren't living that way, even worse, perhaps. I think about them and it makes me so sad and leaves me with this feeling of helplessness. Every night this week, knowing that they are drinking and doing whatever, basically not respecting who they are meant to be, not knowing that they could be so much more. So grieving, but I wouldn't trade time with them for anything. they are such wonderful ppl, so kind and friendly. But so unaware that there's so much more. I tried to be encouraging to them and made them little presents, wrote them notes, and did a few other things, I truly hope they know how much I love God and that I am genuine, that the words I wrote them are true. That they feel Jesus pulling them to Himself. God please! I don't know. So I sat in front of my friend's house for about a half-an-hour and just sobbed. Knowing that I carry a burden so much bigger than myself, knowing that there's only so much I can do. Realizing how truly homesick I am, yet knowing that I don't want to be there (ironic contradiction). Trying to reach out and grasp something, but not sure what it is. I love God so much, my heart is in pain, and all I know is that He is there watching over me and holding me. It's amazing when you can wrap yourself in His arms, when you can feel His presence and know that He, even if everyone else does, will never leave you. This may seem all jumbled, but that's my mind right now. I've been thinking through so much this last week, struggling and releasing and repenting and revising and reviewing and realizing.
I listened to Kutless singing "You're all I want. You're all I ever needed. You're all I want. Help me know You are near." I sang along with it and searched my heart. Are these words true in my life? No they're not. At least half of these sentences aren't. God isn't all I want. I do want Him, and He is all I will ever need and I do know that He is near, but I want so much more than God. I want all that He has for me. Is all He has for me part of wanting God? If so, than I guess it is true. But searching my heart and realizing that it wasn't true, knowing that I could be honest with myself and with God, was comforting. But knowing that I may never get to the point where He is all I want, perhaps for a moment in time, but I want so much. Maybe that's my first problem, eh?
As far as the going home thing, I don't think of this as my home, though I call it that, I don't think of Chicago as "home", though I call it that. My heart tells me that I haven't found "home" yet. It's still in process of revealing itself, in the earthly sense. I suppose not feeling like I have a home anywhere on earth right now has caused me to continually think of Heaven as my home. Which is never a bad thing. But sometimes I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. I just want the comfort of being able to go somewhere and want to be there with all that I am. Hmm.
Life is very busy for me right now and I have to admit this overwhelming feeling that is over me. the play is over and though I am very grateful for the time I had with the production and all involved, the time commitment was extreme. But it was good. I hopefully made some new friends and they know where I stand....maybe opens some doors?....! I don't know.
I forced myself to do near to nothing today. I had to go to choir practice, but other than that, things were pretty laid back. But truthfully? I want to go somewhere where I can just sit and be quiet. I want to be able to drive around and get lost and just go. I'm searching for peace, at least inside myself, I'm having difficulty.
I sent in my application for the Art Institute of Colorado. They should receive it early this week. It will be good, I'm apprehensively excited. there's this underlying fear that I am going to get bored, but 2 months isn't that long. I'll be alright.
It is good to be honest with myself and with others. Life is rough. I'm grateful to have Jesus, and you all.

playing the part...

So one thing I've noticed recently is that I've been getting alot of e-mails from friends i haven't heard from in awhile, but they're not real ones, they're like "sign up for this, so we can get this..." Than you maybe go to check it out, just for curiosity's sake and it's like "you have to sign up for this and this and buy several items from our cheap selection, etc." Interesting. Doesn't get me mad, but at least send something real, or keep in contact with me if you're gonna send me something like that. Oh well.
the play had it's first audience performance. It's interesting being around all of these ppl who don't have relationships with Christ. Their conversation, language, and all that are far from what I would consider table-talk and the "I-need-a-drink" mentality is ever-present. I don't know. It's really like a whole different world. Trying to figure out how to love and accept them as ppl without accepting or conforming to what they do, talk about, or their attitudes is seemingly difficult. Not that I am talking trash, swearing, and drinking, but I don't want them to think that I am perfect or think that I am better than they are. One girl kept talking about things I was like "hmm." about and she would glance over at me. I tried to smile at her often, just to let her know she was still okay, but the conversation was Jesus-inadequate. I don't know. two more nights left and than...??? I don't know, but tomorrow I have most of the day off! Whoo-hoo! I am super-excited about that! But, there's always work to be done. Quarter to 1. Better head off. Stay always with Christ as you venture to be in the world, yet not of it. Peace my friends.

the play is going well
I am extremely tired
i am a bit nervous about the math test tomorrow
boys are silly
i need to get my hair cut
homework is starting to get caught up (though I'm really only behind in one class)
life and disorganization aren't good for your...spleen?
i'm thoroughly excited about Colorado this fall!
mexico in three weeks! Woot woot!
I miss my bed.
I miss canada.
I really want...something...
Jesus is the best ever!
i'm in need of a back massage
i'm sad to miss the skate night this saturday
i'm going to bed...right now.