So, today was pretty good. I got up an spent some time with Jesus. and besides the fact that I should be in bed right now....so many plans and so little time....today has been good but rough. Emotionally I think I am breaking down. I went to church and left directly to my car where I started to cry immediately. I feel grieved and sad, yet not sure why, but knowing why. If that makes any sense. I put on Kutless "Strong Tower" and tried to sing through my tears. It's funny how your voice sounds when you cry. This has been a really rough week. I'm not sure how to explain it, but even being around non-Christians is so draining, or ppl who claim to know Christ, yet aren't living that way, even worse, perhaps. I think about them and it makes me so sad and leaves me with this feeling of helplessness. Every night this week, knowing that they are drinking and doing whatever, basically not respecting who they are meant to be, not knowing that they could be so much more. So grieving, but I wouldn't trade time with them for anything. they are such wonderful ppl, so kind and friendly. But so unaware that there's so much more. I tried to be encouraging to them and made them little presents, wrote them notes, and did a few other things, I truly hope they know how much I love God and that I am genuine, that the words I wrote them are true. That they feel Jesus pulling them to Himself. God please! I don't know. So I sat in front of my friend's house for about a half-an-hour and just sobbed. Knowing that I carry a burden so much bigger than myself, knowing that there's only so much I can do. Realizing how truly homesick I am, yet knowing that I don't want to be there (ironic contradiction). Trying to reach out and grasp something, but not sure what it is. I love God so much, my heart is in pain, and all I know is that He is there watching over me and holding me. It's amazing when you can wrap yourself in His arms, when you can feel His presence and know that He, even if everyone else does, will never leave you. This may seem all jumbled, but that's my mind right now. I've been thinking through so much this last week, struggling and releasing and repenting and revising and reviewing and realizing.
I listened to Kutless singing "You're all I want. You're all I ever needed. You're all I want. Help me know You are near." I sang along with it and searched my heart. Are these words true in my life? No they're not. At least half of these sentences aren't. God isn't all I want. I do want Him, and He is all I will ever need and I do know that He is near, but I want so much more than God. I want all that He has for me. Is all He has for me part of wanting God? If so, than I guess it is true. But searching my heart and realizing that it wasn't true, knowing that I could be honest with myself and with God, was comforting. But knowing that I may never get to the point where He is all I want, perhaps for a moment in time, but I want so much. Maybe that's my first problem, eh?
As far as the going home thing, I don't think of this as my home, though I call it that, I don't think of Chicago as "home", though I call it that. My heart tells me that I haven't found "home" yet. It's still in process of revealing itself, in the earthly sense. I suppose not feeling like I have a home anywhere on earth right now has caused me to continually think of Heaven as my home. Which is never a bad thing. But sometimes I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. I just want the comfort of being able to go somewhere and want to be there with all that I am. Hmm.
Life is very busy for me right now and I have to admit this overwhelming feeling that is over me. the play is over and though I am very grateful for the time I had with the production and all involved, the time commitment was extreme. But it was good. I hopefully made some new friends and they know where I stand....maybe opens some doors?....! I don't know.
I forced myself to do near to nothing today. I had to go to choir practice, but other than that, things were pretty laid back. But truthfully? I want to go somewhere where I can just sit and be quiet. I want to be able to drive around and get lost and just go. I'm searching for peace, at least inside myself, I'm having difficulty.
I sent in my application for the Art Institute of Colorado. They should receive it early this week. It will be good, I'm apprehensively excited. there's this underlying fear that I am going to get bored, but 2 months isn't that long. I'll be alright.
It is good to be honest with myself and with others. Life is rough. I'm grateful to have Jesus, and you all.
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