life is not real

Do you ever feel as if life does not exist. I walk around and look at my surroundings, the moon, the trees, life in general, or people and wonder if it is all really here. As if every day I am walking through a dream. It's quite disturbing, I must say. I once told someone I was having these experiences quite often. She told me that usually when someone goes through this behavior they are trying to get away from something. So I ask myself, what am I trying to get away from? You know what, I don't know. Perhaps I am dissatisfied with my present situation, however, I cannot imagine another situation that I might be content in. I know that this is where God wants me and perhaps the duration here will be a little longer than anticipated. I am stubborn enough and most determined to stick it through and find out why God has placed me here, and during this time. It seems most inconvenient. Our camp is going through some very big financial problems, mostly debt it seems. My gift has been raised and I feel as if 1) I am undeserving and 2)stealing from the camp. Not stealing in the sense that I have ill-gotten gain, but that they need it more than I. I suppose when I came here that I was proud that I would be so inexpensive to keep around. Having a "pay" raise makes that alittle more difficult to realize. It just pains me to see so many people affected by one person (who by most would be the one to blame, this person is no longer employed here, they were not "let go"). I just want to go back a few months ago and fix it. Make it so the debt could have never occurred. There were so many things that could have been done to make sure that this never happened. But there was miscommunication and poor-planning. I feel so helpless. I know that I am doing almost all that I can to make sure that I am not overspending or anything, at least with what one would call the "camp's" money. I have to admit, sometimes I am frivilous with mine, which really isn't mine, it's Gods. If I were to be completely truthful, I feel as if my whole life is out of control. My homework is weeks behind and when I am motivated to do it, I can't. When I finally can, I am too tired. It is as if there is so much going on, yet I look and I see nothing. It's weird. I know that God is close, yet He feels so far away. It's interesting that I say that, because one of my other friends is going through the same thing. She feels as if she is a boat floating in the middle of an empty ocean. I still love God, I am still pursuing Him, reading His Word, but yet, here I am, in the middle of an empty ocean crying out to God, and He's asking me, "Why did you move?" I guess I just have to figure out where I am. These times are welcome though, because I know that only good will come out of it if I keep my eyes focused above, even though the duration of them is of difficulty. I know that God is in control, but perhaps I don't trust Him.
There is something inside of me that is bursting forth, I don't know what it is, but I am trying to suppress it. I am so confused and lost, yet I have some sort of a focus. There was a time when life felt real. I guess I have what you would call "matrix-syndrome". I see fault in so many, yet I realize they are my own. Change comes with little easiness. I miss my friends up at Briercrest. I miss being home. I love the weather here and the place. It is peaceful when I decide to be as well. Is it possible to be content with your work and the place you are at, yet still be unsatisfied?
Well, that was a bagful. I shall take leave.