finals today! mrr!

God is so amazingly good to me. He woke me up at the proper time this morning and I was able to do devos and study a bit before the lovely JoAnn came to get me. I studied about relying on God and knowing that He loves you and thinks you're worthy. Colossians 1:15-23 was the passage and it was correlating to Jonathan ... mrr, can't remember his last name. Hmm...But there's been alot on my mind lately. This is just a little of it.
So I just finished my first final for today. One more to go: Psych. I must admit that studying for this one was much more difficult and I couldn't concentrate very well, so I studied for the one that I was able to, nutrition, I think I did pretty well. Hopefully close to an A+, but we'll see, eh? I am pretty nervous about this psych final. None of his tests are easy or even moderately challenging. They kick my butt. So, if I got a straight 100% on this final, I would get a 92% in the class. I was thinking last night how improbable that is. Nevertheless I am up for the challenge, at least I know what I am up against. I actually feel excited about studying more for this. I just hope my brain kicks into action.
Well, I've been thinking about going home and think I shocked my nutrition teacher with what I said about Christmas. I told her that I had missed last Christmas at home b/c I was in Canada (I think I worked Christmas Eve and spent Christmas alone...? I can't remember...) and that missing this Christmas wouldn't be a big deal b/c it's kind of lost it's meaning. I guess it's not that it lost it's meaning about Christ and His birth, I think that becomes more relevant to my life each passing year, day even, but Christmas at home isn't centered around that. We might go out for breakfast and later at night we'd go to my uncle's and eat and open our gift from our "Secret Santa". Talk about the weather and school and all that, new job, new place. It just feels so empty. We might get together with my mom and she would give us these little stuffed animals, a notepad, and a few ornaments, maybe a picture frame and a calendar she may think we'd like. Perhaps it's just become too predictable. As if I am standing in front of a movie rack, trying to figure out which movie I want to see again. You run the film through your mind and try to make a good choice. Part of me wants to please them. All of me wants to please God. I love my family. I do, I ache for them. I want to hang out with them and spend time with them. Why do I feel this unpeace? None of those reasons that would seem a barrier to me going home have never stopped me from doing just that. That I know. I love my family too much to not go home because part of me fears their disapproval. That I know. I sound borderline-ridiculous, don't I?
I guess I'm just confused. Is this really what God wants? Do I love God more than my family? I'm sure I do, otherwise I'd still be at home and working at Subway. Why is it so hard for me to grasp?
On another thought, although it's sort of connected: I guess in a sense I dislike expectations. Expectations for anything. Assumptions are bad too, but someone once told me that we live off of assumptions. Do you think we live off expectations or assumptions more? Expectations drive you, I suppose. Assumptions allow you the opportunity to not think, to live without really paying attention. Both are essential to life and yet they cause so much trouble. I also guess that that would be what you expect or what you assume. But what if that expectation was for you to go home for Christmas and the assumption was that you were going to do just that. You know what my problem was/is, I am, by nature, or conditioned perhaps, to be a people-pleaser. This is a tough job for anyone, I was a pro. Always willing to bend over backwards to please you and to be and do whatever you wanted. Maybe that's why I am having so much trouble nowadays. I am trying to be who I am yet my old people-pleasing nature is fighting it every step of the way. I'm blessed to be where I am at, in that I do what God wants over what even I want. I guess that's why I have to think a bit longer than most when I make a decision. I am trying to decide where my heart and motives are. But I still get confused and feel despaired. I love God and I love my family. I know what I have to do, why does it suck so much? Perhaps just that. I love my family. I don't want to hurt or disappoint them. I want the best for them. I want them to be happy and content and love Jesus. So why is it that when I give them what they want things just seem to get worse?
sidenote: We live in a country where near to nothing is ever denied us. What do we do in those times when God says "no"?

(God is still good and loving, always and always.)