Okay, so I've been on the warpath for awhile trying to find more options for the future and after reading and finishing John Ethridges (sp?) "Dare to Desire", man, that book totally got me pumped. There is so much more out there and we aren't even grasping for it....well at least most ppl aren't. But I ...totally lost my train of thought....hmm....ahh! This is frustrating. Anywho, I talked to Kacy last night and we got to talking as women do, and talking about (oh I got it!) our futures and in the book "D to D", he kept asking me (or the general reader), "What do you want?" Man, I've been asked that question before and it scares me everytime, why? Not completely sure. Maybe it's letting others know what you want, maybe, most likely, I really don't know what I want and that's what scares me. I'm only 22. I am so young and life is still chock-full of adventures, well it always will be, but yeah, this is an amazing revelation for me. I want adventure. I want to get out there and live on the edge and I want to be swept along in God's ways and in His will for me. That's what I want. I want to be so tight with God that ppl automatically look at me and they see Jesus first, they don't see me. I want what God's wants for me, only He knows my innermost desires and though I might think I know what I want, I really won't know unless I completely give all to God and wait for Him to guide me. That's what I want.
While I was talking to Kacy, I said, "I know what I want, but I don't know what I am supposed to do." I think that really hit me, I had to write it down. Why, b/c it's true. There's so much that I know I want, or even need, but what did God make me for? Why am I here? I don't think I will be satisfied to sit at a desk and type e-mails for ppl, I much prefer snail mail myself, but I won't be satisfied working in a kitchen for 15 hours a day and I know that is what the life of a professional chef/baker would be. I want to be good at everything, but I want to be great at loving God. I don't really know what happened this last weekend, but I feel so alive, like words can't be typed fast enough to get out all that I have to share. There's so much inside of me. I know this is all jumbled, but hey, does it really matter? This is what I know, I know that I don't want to be an average American who blends into society and makes their days full of meaningless things like paper and scrubbing toilets, though they both have their benefits. I want to live an adventure every day out in that big thing called the world and I want to do it with God's blessing and through His power, whether or not there be someone by my side, or rather I am by someone's side. (that's a whole nother issue). I want to live with my desire and for what I was meant to live. I know that God put me here for a reason and I have to tell you, I have grown and learned so much living here and I think for the first time in at least 3 years, I feel alive, awake, and wanting. These past few years I've been just surviving, I feel like I am thriving, like there's more to life than just life, if that makes any sense. I am ready for the next step, whatever that may be.
Which brings me to why I am slightly excited, as one can tell. I talked with Kacy and she has been looking into the Peace Corps and New Tribes Mission organization. Man, I checked both of them out and they look really exciting. So, pray for me, cause I want to do both. In "D to D" it talked about ppl having to push their dreams aside in the name of sancitification by the world and ppl will try and hold you down, there might not be that needed support there, but man it makes so much sense. I feel like I've been trying to be something that I'm not, that this time of my life where I didn't know what I wanted to do is over, in a sense. I've wanted to go into missions since I was probably younger than 11 years old. I just knew that was something I was made for. I am going to Mexico the end of March and have plans for the future and how I can work things out to pursue the dreams I've had for so long. I don't know what God will do, but I know that it will work out. Though I am afraid and nervous for the future and know that b/c I follow this path of hidden desires and the true meaning of why I am here, there will be things I will miss out on and ppl won't be particularly excited, but that's part of life and I want my life to be overflowing from the brim. Hesitation only keeps you from living the life you were meant to live, though precautionary feelings are def good. I've always felt like because I have so many dreams that I have to pick just one and do that forever. But why? Why can't I do all that is intended for my life? These desires are not just there to leave you wanting, they are there to kick your butt into gear and get you moving and motivated. Why can't you be more than you ever imagined and more than anyone expects you to be? Why? Because they don't have the guts to do it, because they think their "ship has passed"? I refuse to lete someone else live through me, except God.
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