#1 continued...

So, pondering is something I have been doing alot of and I was analyzing that "self-discovery" post. I don't think I'm even afraid of needing someone. I want to need someone. But when I do, and there's near to an open expression for that need, than I usually back down. I'm working on it. But that's not really a fear of needing someone, at least I don't think so. So what is it then? Well, this is what I came up with:
I'm afraid of needing someone who doesn't want me to need them.
There it is. I think that's the last bit of it. Can it go any deeper?
For most of you who know me, you know that I overanalyze things. So this is my overanalyzation...
When I need something, first I try to figure out if I really need it, sometimes I'll talk to God about it. If it's really important we do alot of talking. But I internalize the need and put myself in the scenario and try to figure out what their response will be (which is probably impossible). Good responses and bad ones and when I am convinced I will get a negative reaction, than I leave it alone. I suppress the need, thought, etc. and convince myself that because they will ultimately reject me, I don't need it.
So I guess that would explain why I don't like rejection.
I've also been told that I'm cynical about marriage. I find this surprising b/c I really want to get married. But an outward source is usually pretty good for telling someone things they don't see or understand, etc.
So, I thought about this as well. Perhaps a lack of good role models? Everyone on my dad's side has been divorced at least once. My mom's side has a bunch of unstable relationships, very little communication and lots of gossip. All of my older sisters have been in numerous unhealthy relationships and one of them is choosing to stick with the current guy.
However, church has def blessed me with a number of couples with healthy relationships and that is amazing. God's gift to me. My mentality is to shift to the unhealthy relationships that I've seen and than I stereotype that...as far as putting myself in that category as well, thinking that that is also going to happen to me. Not necessarily divorce but the unhealthy relationship. I don't know if I fully understood all of this til now, but I guess now, what do I do with it. I am def praying hard to God. I am so desperate for Him to show me what He wants to show me. I was reading my last post and it sounds like I'm just focusing on me and i do, alot. That's something I also need to work on. But with all of this info., i suppose the first thing to do is to change my mentality. Shift it to the good. Try to remember the church and not the family, in regards to healthy relationships. I guess I have a talent for focusing on the negative, although I suppose that can be seen as a curse too...hmmm....