Anywho, so, I was discussing with my one friend how cute this couple was (who happen to be friends of ours), but I said, "Yeah, they're real cute." in a tired sort of tone. And he just laughed and repeated me, and I said, "Well, y'know how I am." and than he said, "Crystal, I can't wait until you fall in love. I am gonna give you the hardest time." I know this may come as a shock, but the first thought that popped in my head was, "too bad you missed it." Yep, Crystal has a boy-past. I have to say that I would have given him everything. I would have gone anywhere for him. I would have done anything for him (unless it interfered with God's plan). (I was surprisingly God-aware at that age.) He was this amazing, God-filled man who was artistic, intelligent, good sense of humor, always had a group of people around him listening to him or asking his advice, well-read, and so much more. He was one of those guys who carried his Bible around with him. He had a good head on his shoulders. He ended up going to college, I was still in high school and something happened between us that summer. Unspoken (attraction and mutualness), but understood. After he left for college things changed, he died. He fell away from God and stopped coming to church. He started complaining and so many other little things. He stopped growing, he just stopped. Now he's living in the world, a victim of sadness, and I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him. Heck, I was praying about him since the 7th grade! Yeah, dork, right here. It reminds me of that Billie Holiday song that she sings about "carrying the torch for Jim." But, this is my journey, for the last few years it's been the first song....the second is what I am in the process of doing: picking up my heart, giving it to God, and letting Him heal the heck out of me. I love God with all of my soul, might, and mind. He's everything to me, even above this guy, I would serve God, I did serve God, and mostly, that's why things never worked out. Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Perhaps it's part of the healing process. But, I know you won't look down on me, I know that it won't affect your opinion of me. I don't know why either of those things matter either, but I know that they're true. I know that God saved me from something that would be far worse if anything had ever become official. It's the world we live in, full of heartache and tragedy, but full of hope and grace and mercy. Hope that there's Someone and will be someone who will love me as much as I love Him/him. Grace for holding on so long and for making mistakes. Mercy b/c I can wake up each day and know that that day will be so full of life, love, and hope, more than the day before. I love my Jesus. I love Him with all of my heart, broken as it may be. Love ending is never the end. Compromise in this part of your life is never acceptable. I didn't compromise, I don't regret it, but it doesn't mean it won't need time to heal, or be difficult to overcome. Especially when the Devil is our adversary. He's unrelenting in his lies, but our God is so much bigger. He's awesome. He's great, better than Tony the Tiger! Anywho, here are the songs that sort of flag my journey of love for the past, oh, 4 years...grade 12-now.
White Flag:
i know you think I shouldn't still love you or tell you that
but if i didn't say it well i'd still have felt it, where's the sense in that
i promise i'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were but
i will go down with this ship and i won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door, i'm in love and always will be
i know i left too much mess and destruction to come back again
and i cause nothing but trouble, i understand if you can't talk to me again
and if you live by the rules of it's over then i'm sure that that makes sense but
i will go down with this ship and i won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door, i'm in love and always will be
and when we meet, which i'm sure we will
all that was there, will be there still
i'll let it pass, and hold my tongue
and you will think, that i've moved on
i will go down with this ship and i won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door, i'm in love and always will be
Song 2: see you when you're 40
i've driven round in circles for three hours
it was bound to happen that i'd end up at yours
i temporarily forgot there's better days to come
i thought that i would give it just one more chance
cos i want, tonight, what i've been waiting for
but i found, tonight, what i'd been warned about
you think you are complicated, deep mystery to all
well it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special
all energy no meaning, with a lot of words
so paper thin that one real feeling, could knock you down
cos i want, tonight, what i've been waiting for
but i found, tonight, what i'd been warned about
so see you when you're 40, lost and all alone
being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
not sad because you lost me
but sad because you thought it was cool to be sad
you think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
well if you had walked past me today i wouldn't have picked you out
i wouldn't have picked you out
now i've seen, tonight, how could i waste my time
and i'll be on my way, and i won't be back
but i seen, tonight, what i'd been warned about
you're just a boy, not a man, and i'm not coming back
I know that this second song sounds harsh and i obviously don't mean all of it, but i see it as a song that says, "I'm moving on, you've changed. I thought you were someone else, i thought your words were true, but i was wrong and I have to turn and walk away, or I'll be stuck here forever. Goodbye." But I was struck by a few lines, because they hit so close to home as to who this guy is, and it's sad, it really is.
So, this is me. I'm putting up my white flag. It's over.
2 comments:
yeah, God is so good to me.
yay crystal, you encourage me :) .. and hey where the heck are ya .. havent seen you all day ..
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