Disappointed

Wow. Life is kind of gross right now. I have to say, I am disappointed slightly in how this break is going. I don't know what I expected. Maybe more God time. I find that I am failing more and being more disobedient to God. I guess God has some kinks to help me work out. At least I can see them. It's really weird how self-aware I am. I know what I have to work on. I know where I am failing. I know that God is sad for me. I guess I need a little more work than originally thought and until I get to that point of working through this, than I can move up with my relationship with God, because I am just lying to myself if I think I can bypass this stuff and just go at it. It's time to be strong and stand up for what I want and what I need for myself. There's a difference between needing and wanting. A difference between knowing and believing. A difference between faith and seeing. I want need. I want belief, and I want faith. I want to be real and not some plastic personality. God can give this to me. He can provide what I need, but it's gonna be hard and it's gonna require sacrifice. Just like Jesus. I want to be just like Jesus. Jesus wasn't a pansy. He sacrificed a lot, the least I can do is sacrifice a little. Right? Roight!